saved.

work from home

2010-02-26T16:23:00.002+08:00

">TREKPAY - Work for home

2010-02-26T16:23:00.001+08:00

TREKPAY - Work for home

2010-02-24T22:37:00.000+08:00

movie :)

moving

2009-06-03T09:06:00.001+08:00

Hi guys, I'm moving to a new blog -- liannestilllovesu.tumblr.com

But I'm not deleting this blog just because...("amidst all the crap are a few things worth holding onto." -- grey's anatomy)

and then i laughed.

2009-06-02T14:23:00.000+08:00

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

from:eChristianstories.com

sitting this one out

2009-05-24T21:13:00.000+08:00

It's been 4 years since I started attending Jzone. Actually, it was a SOULStop night and I remember that I almost did not go. It began to rain hard, it was late, and our tire got a bad problem. I was late so I did not have time to change after practice and I was anxiously texting with Atid the entire time. I think it was one way of keeping myself from backing out, because I knew I really might...but deep in my heart, I knew that if I didn't go that time, I will never. I even ensured I would go by inviting my friend Sandra who hasn't been to church in a long time as well and saying yes to a dinner with her after. I even asked Jan-Ace to tag along as well. Walang takas na, as the saying goes. So I got there, very late, end of the message, got a seat, felt the stares of people and I took a deep breath. It was that deciding breath. Lord, I want to do this. I really do. Help me believe I was meant to be here. The closing song started and it was...and I felt this in my heart before the first chords played, HEART OF WORSHIP, my ultimate favorite praise song. "I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about you, it's all about you, Jesus." Indeed, I was coming back and Jesus was welcoming me with open arms.

I went to Jzone the following week. I was late, yet again. And I almost didn't go, yet again. But I did. I was in awe at the size of the population there, coming from a church whose youth ministry was just starting. I felt so small but as if reading my thoughts, Atid put her hand on my shoulder and said "I'm so happy you made it."

The rest, as they say, is history. It was like a dance. The first steps timid, the movements awkward, but as the song kept playing, as my partner was the most excellent dancer, I began to get into the rhythm of it all. I joined my first ministry, an unlikely one at that, at the prodding of my discipler Tina and the beautiful revelation of God that it was not the frontstage that I was used to where He would use me this time. He wanted me to go behind the scenes, He wanted things to be different this time. I stepped out of the boat and onto the water, officially joining a D12 after the safe, happy two-on-one accountability sessions I had with Atid and Tina. And further more heart stretching after that when I joined Kris Ann's DGroup. A bunch of new people, a whole new set of lives to involve myself in, a brand new set of reasons to break down my walls.

Then I stopped dancing. I guess I stopped hearing the music playing, or it got drowned out when I stopped paying attention to the new steps I had to learn. I fell, and because so many hands were offered to me to pull me back up, I got confused and took the wrong ones. Oh the dizzying frenzy that followed. Bruises, wounds, traumas...a mere worn out pair of dancing shoes. I wanted my first partner back.

He came and He picked me up again, in the gentlest, sweetest way. He didn't say anything. He didn't ask me where I've been, why I left or condemned how badly I danced. We simply picked up where we left off.

I never regretted dancing ever since.

Of all the twists, twirls and tumbles I encountered in our dance, He held on. Even during the many times my vision blurred with tears, we kept moving. The several times I almost slipped, too tired to keep up, He never let me go. There were moments when I couldn't understand the music, there were times when it was too faint to hear, but one look at Him and I knew I couldn't give this up.

It's been 4 years since I started attending Jzone. Sometimes I want to go, just 4 years? All that drama and jazz, all that stretching and growing, that was just 4 years? And then sometimes I go, wow Lord, it's been 4 years. I have never loved, cried, laughed, forgiven, given, accepted, served, lead, and LIVED more in those 4 years than any other 4 years of my life. We've been dancing for 4 years.

Di pa rin ako nagsasawa, Lord.

Though the recent major changes and circumstances have made me question my place on the dance floor, He still did not let go. He held me tighter, held me closer to Him and whispered "Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?" (Romans 8:35) NOTHING. NOTHING CAN. Not even a change of music, of dance floors can. I almost got swept away by the changes in music and the switches of dance floors. I almost forgot it is who I'm dancing with that matters. It is my partner that will lead and take me places. It is my partner I should look at, not anything or anyone else.

And so with this discovery I asked if we could stop for awhile, if that would be okay. If I could rest my tired feet and just sit out the coming songs. In the same gentle and sweet way that is close to my heart, He said yes. He assured me that it would not mean our separation, nor my failure. On the contrary, He assured me it was a much needed break so we could spend more time together. He assured me that it wasn't the dance He was really after, but my heart. And if my heart is tired from dancing right now, it's okay that I take a break.

4 years ago, I started this dance with God. 4 years into the future, I don't know if I'll be dancing to the same song we started with but I do know I'll still be dancing. I want to. I just need to find new dancing shoes to dance in hahaha :) I look forward, and am excited to what is in store. Happy feet. Happy dancing :)

peyton was right

2009-05-19T17:26:00.002+08:00

walking on love

2009-04-29T14:56:00.002+08:00

I never got it right with sizes. Not from the previous ones anyway.

But I always got it right with him. I knew when it was too big, too small and just right. That's why in advance I'd be able to say hey this is too big but I just had to buy it for you.

The pair of shoes I bought for his graduation though was a big risk. They were quite a price but I felt that it was worth it. But then it failed.

It was too big. And shirts are okay for that, but shoes are harder to adjust to.

But he chose to wear it. On the walking capital of the world where you do nothing but walk really, he chose to bring the pair of shoes and wear them. According to him, it was 'walking on our love so that the love you put into buying them is not wasted'

It was really sweet, more than any word can capture. But more than the 'kilig factor,' I am now realizing how he just modeled Christ's love with that simple, noble act.

I often take risks with my life. I'm a free spirit...I'm spontaneous like crazy. And when I took big risks before, I usually knew where I was going to land. But there were uncalculated risks that left me lying flat on my face. Despite that though, Jesus chose to crucify himself on His love for me.

In the most hostile planet in the universe littered with people who are only too eager to give up on seemingly hopeless cases like me, He chose to stay and love me. He chose the harder road just to let me know, my love, no matter how imperfect, is not wasted.

I am indeed so blessed. And even if I get discouraging thoughts more lately in light of the recent event we went to, I want to keep walking. Because I got it right this time, my perfect fit. I chose the best one.

So I'll keep walking on love :)

2009-04-17T10:16:00.001+08:00

i LOVE this ad.

the world is so much bigger than i thought it was. i'm inspired today. hahaha. love it.

and so it fell

2009-04-01T22:35:00.003+08:00

it's funny. the only time that i am selfish is when everything becomes right. hmmm. when i am giving all of i am -- time, money, attention, heart, feet, hands, body, everything is so heavy. but when i stop caring, i feel at peace. ah, the beauty of indifference. the beauty of the wall.

the little girl that was trying so hard to keep the wall from going back into her world is giving up. she is letting the wall fall back into her world. she is collapsing onto the soft bed of flowers and letting the bricks of the wall just pour in, day by day, apathetic word after apathetic word. what's the use? she feels like a failure anyway. she will just keep on falling until she collapses. i'm collapsing.

and if everything else follows suit, let someone else pick it up. this girl is too tired to pick up stuff because her strength has been drained from holding it up. maybe she shouldn't have held it up anymore.

walking away one step at a time. Lord, only you know how tired i am cause only You knew how much weight i was carrying. and you let me collapse. thanks Lord. really. this is the best fall i have ever experienced. i don't want to wake up just yet.

wake me up when the world ends :)

no more words

2009-03-31T22:31:00.000+08:00

"learn to wait and trust"

2009-03-25T14:15:00.003+08:00

this picture is entitled, 'watching and waiting.' beautiful picture i found googling the word 'waiting.'

learn to wait.

i think that's the hard part. i can do chapter 1 and chapter 3 but chapter 2, the one in the middle, the one in the transition period, the WAITING...ugh, the agony.

i've been in the 'i won't expect, i won't wait, i won't hope' end of the spectrum after the 'it's possible, it will come, there is hope' side.

but the waiting portion of the spectrum is the difficult one. it is the MEAT. it is the BODY. the epilogue and the prologue are okay. but where would the story be?

but i think i'm learning.

somehow, i don't think it's waiting so much as it is, detaching. detaching myself from...everything. and everyone. just disentangling myself from all of it. cause God knows the past weeks (or maybe unconsciously years) have made me a distorted person with extreme episodes of cynicism and optimism.

besides, i have managed, all on my own, to complicate things that are quite simple already. and now i am reaping its consequences every single waking moment. UGH.

let's wait and see ;)

...

2009-03-20T14:30:00.001+08:00

i give up.

does anybody hear me? i give up.

you changed my life :)

2009-03-18T09:55:00.006+08:00

so after all the cryptic sad entries, here's a lighter one.

we watched you changed my life. hahaha. movies are therapeutical. and while everyone raved about how funny it was, i cried for half of the movie. no kidding. and there was a part where i really couldn't stop crying (this is a light entry!?!?!?i said lighter) hahaha.

it was that scene where they were having a fight and broke up and sarah said 'akala mo ikaw lang ang pagod? ako din pagod na. pagod na akong maghintay kung kailan ka dadating, pagod na akong umasa sa mga promieses mo...' the other words drowned already. i was just crying. hahaha. if the first movie was super kilig, this one was super real. it really happens. i guess i cried because i wanted to ask to anyone who would really listen, akala mo ikaw lang pagod? HAHA. minsan meron akong momentary katopakan eh when i just want to burst out like that -- ano, ano, ano? hahaha. lakas ng trip.

anyway, sunday was like THE climax, the final crescendo...SO many things happened. but as usual, i am tasked to keep going, endowed with much optimism to keep it all together to hold other people together...it's just my life. put my emotions and weariness on hold because it's too inconvenient for people. egotistic? i won't be upset if you say that. but really, it's the reality. some people just have to suck it in, and deal with it -- and everyone else hahaha. i'm one of them.

but anyways, God is good. He is my super hero of all time. i feel SO loved. i feel SO kept together because of Him. i see hope because of Him. HAY :) i'm in love with Jesus. last week was so tiring but it made me realign my heart, it made me see His love once again -- that it is incomprehensible and amazing and REAL and FOR me. the way He made me believe and did not give up on me this week was...there are no words for it. indiscribable. i'm just so joyful because of that :) HE changed my life in a moment and i will never be the same again :)

day 4:coming home

2009-03-13T14:37:00.003+08:00

Hello world

Hope you're listening

Forgive me if I’m young

For speaking out of turn

There’s someone I’ve been missing

I think that they could be

The better half of me

They’re in their own place trying to make it right

But I’m tired of justifying

So i say you’ll..

Come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long

And right now there's a war between the vanities

But all i see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

So come home

Oooh

I get lost in the beauty

Of everything i see

The world ain’t as half as bad

As they paint it to be

If all the sons

If all the daughters

Stopped to take it in

Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

It might start now..Yeahh

Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud

Until then

Come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long

And right now there's a war between the vanities

But all i see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

Ever known

So come home

Oooh

Everything i can’t be

Is everything you should be

And that’s why i need you here

Everything i can’t be

Is everything you should be

And that’s why i need you here

So hear this now

Come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long

And right now there's a war between the vanities

But all i see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

Ever known

So come home

Come home

-- Come Home by One Republic --

this was a song i heard just today. it was a song from a guy who lost a girl he really loved, who let her go but now he wants her back. it really just spoke to me.

there are so many words that come into mind that i could use to describe the weeks that i've gone through just recently...but bland wouldn't be one of them. the past weeks have so much life in it that i began to get too scared and overwhelmed if i could even handle it. of course, i couldn't. not on my own anyway. this song is about asking someone to come back, something i haven't seen in awhile. about having hope, something i lost touch with recently. about realizing that everything you needed to be right was actually right already, you just failed to see it. this is the perfect song to end this week.

you know yesterday i was too out of it that i accidentally threw my eyeglasses in the trash in the restroom instead of the tissue paper. yes. there i was in the cubicle of the restroom, took off my eyeglasses to blink back tears and in the process threw the glasses into the trash bin. and it took me three seconds to realize what i just did. and i wanted to laugh but i was too sad by my messiness that i couldn't. and i said sorry to God for being like this, for hurting Him by being sooo sad. it's just that so much has happened, i don't know if i should believe anymore, i told Him.

then a few minutes later, as i sat ay my desk in the office, trying to be as busy as i can be, my friend from the office placed a card on my desk and said 'for you, lia.' and as i stared at the card i really had to shake my head and smile and get teary eyed at the same time. the card had a beautiful picture of sove flying above the world and behind the world is a beautiful picture of the ocean. and it says "nothing is impossible with God." and as if that wasn't enough, when i told her thank you she said something like "may plan talaga si God kasi i just found it now and it's been with me for the longest time. i think it's really for you." hay tama ba yun? hahaha.

i think that says it all. come home now, God was saying. all week i've been wanting to go home into eternity but in that moment God said not yet, not yet. you can come home into my arms to rest but until you start believing again in fairy tales, in happy endings, in love conquering all, in the impossibly good...i'm not giving up on you.

hay Lord. ang ganda ko naman para ganyanin mo ako. hahaha :) ['you don't know, you don't get it do you? you don't know how beautiful you are' - u2] so wherever you are right now, whatever you're going through, i hope you don't give up. i hope you find this fight worth fighting. because it ain't over till it's over :)

day 3

2009-03-12T16:06:00.002+08:00

this is a not so good day. thank God for work. and food. and crazy twins that are so honest and sincere in loving and missing you.

i got more pangs of pain in the heart today. mostly because i don't have much strength to just enjoy the present because somewhere at the back of my mind, i know it might be fleeting.

i haven't had the chance to cry since tuesday night. feels like a century ago. maybe i shall have one again tonight. maybe i'll be too spent to do so.

maybe. life is a one big maybe.

and you just gotta take chances if you're to get anywhere.

i don't really feel like going anywhere. i'm tired. i'm upset. i'm hurting. i don't want to go anywhere.

when you're hurting...

2009-03-11T09:32:00.002+08:00

you break out into a song hahaha

My body bends, your body bows
We double then unfurl
Oh we unfold

Then I collapse into your bones
Though when courage leaves me
I still collapse alone

So light a candle in your window
I’ll be hiding till the sun goes down
And if that candle still lights up your window
I’ll climb on up to you

To our own accidents we’re prone
So I will let me fate remain unknown

And out on this battlefield I know
I’m all arms and elbows
Still fighting back the beaks of crows

But one day I might not exist I know
But the candle in your window
Still finds the light in every night
And I’ll be searching for your glow after I go

--Candle in the Window by Josh Pyke--

collide.

2009-03-10T09:30:00.007+08:00

i never ever thought i'd have this feeling again. this feeling where my stomach is tied in knots and i literally try sleeping on all angles but i can't. and my breaths come in short gasps and my feet are icy cold. and my hands can barely move even though they want to so desperately clutch something. anything. and i'm hungry so hungry but i don't have an appetite so i'm all acidic. and weak. like about to faint. i must've ran to the bathroom around 5 times last night. but it never eased the pain. i fell asleep only to dream about him. first time ever to dream of someone who left. sign? i don't know. sign for what? i don't know. that is pain and heart ache in its rawest form. and there's really no one who understands what i'm going through. no one but Him. and He just keeps telling me He loves me. and i keep saying i want to go home na. and the tears just won't stop. like i thought i'd be able to be numb in the office but here i am, crying. i want to go home na. my calling, my plans...where did they go. how can love not be enough? how can miracles not be enough? how? why me again? how am i supposed to believe that love conquers all when i never saw it conquer anything in my life. and how am i supposed to believe in second chances. are promises real only at the moment they are spoken? i want to quit. i want to disappear. i want to fast forward time to the day when i'll be going home. where all tears will be gone. where i am accepted, imperfect edges and all. i want to be numb. i just want to not care. i just want to be indifferent. i just want my heart to stop feeling. i want to stop being so vulnerable and fragile and open to the world. everyone will say i'll be okay, i always have been. perhaps. i've braved many storms and people say i've come out unscathed. but only He knows. only He knows all the scars my heart have received. only He knows the corners of fear that linger in my heart. only He knows that i live on His grace alone. only He knows that in the inside i am dying to have hope and not have it lost again. but i am losing it again. happy ever afters are indeed overrated. i held on for so long. believed for so long. jumped for miracles to His heart's content and now i don't know why i'm here. i've made wrong turns but i don't know why i'm here. i don't know why the world has to be so cruel. i just want to go home. cause even if i survive this, i am left alone again. all alone. life goes on and it doesn't stop for anyone. anyone at all, not even if you feel like you're the most unfortunate and most emotionally ruined person which is nearly what i am now. i know that. i know i have to suck it up eventually if i don't want to end up lying unconscious on some sidewalk drunk. i meant my part of the deal. no more again. cause he was the last one i was willing to love. this is the last love story i am willing to participate in. and you know that, Dad. and you gave him to me and...i don't know where to go from here Father. i'm tired of fighting. and running. i just want to go home. take me home. this is nothing compared to the cross this i know. and i love you Jesus for the cross. please take me home now.

"even the best fall down sometimes..." - howie day (collide) from the album, 'stop the world now. 'hahaha. stop the world now please.

and they said i will be the busy one

2009-03-04T09:47:00.001+08:00

lianne.

2009-03-02T14:22:00.001+08:00

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

- In Your Freedom by Hillsong Australia -

so near yet so far

2009-02-24T10:41:00.004+08:00

no, i didn't take these photos. but i wish i did. i've been in many different countries. but hong kong will always be hong kong. my very first trip outside the country was in hong kong (3 yrs old). and i kept returning years after that, building child hood memories in toys r us in harbour city and that rusty elevator in the apartment we stayed in at kowloon where i got stuck inside and people kept talking to me in chinese and my daddy ran four flights of stairs just in time to get me when the elevator doors opened and the traumatic mcdo experience hahaha. oh, and lets not forget the routined trips to ocean park. oh and of course, try as i might, that horrible desert that auntie lucy made us try that i had to smile my way through eating because she was so convinced that it was the best. needless to say, when she left -- hello, toilet bowl. *shivers* hahaha.

hongkong, i <3

because we're mushy (and grateful) like that :)

2009-02-20T13:50:00.004+08:00

new year. 2006. my besh.

new year. 2009. my best.

we've come a long way

for the love of lianne who loves shang :)

2009-02-13T18:04:00.001+08:00

please vote for the Shangri-La Plaza website (http://www.shangrila-plaza.com/)

HOW:

please register first , then click on VOTE for a site, you can find the Shang Website under Corporate.

PLEASE click on the link :)

http://www.philippinewebawards.com/

:) much, much thanks :)

what about n-o-w.something to think about.

2009-02-07T10:13:00.001+08:00

Shadows fill an empty heart
Is love fading
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

because i heart.

2009-02-06T11:15:00.002+08:00

celtics.com

i love kobe bryant (i really want to buy the shirt)...i didn't before but transformed people inspire me. i'm not such a fan of rigid, self-righteous people hahaha. bitter. it's the people who grow into being better that inspire me :)

nevertheless, in the corner of my heart...where i won't be shunned and ridiculed----- go green. go boston. i remember the first time i watched a game. i never really was a fan of nba until then. i mean i always loved watching the all-stars but that was about it. until i saw this team of GREEN hahaha who i've heard already had legendary records and wins. and when i saw them, they were losing terribly. as in terribly. but it was the way that...i don't know, they didn't give up i guess that made me like them. besides, i like believing in comebacks. in hopeful rises to glory from the slums. and this is what they did. i love you celtics :)

today,the words:good morning, lianne

2009-01-21T09:08:00.005+08:00

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true.

To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.

-- Pres. Barack Obama's Inaugural Speech --

I just had my quiet time. And I just read about Stephen being at peace, looking onto heaven even when He was being stoned. I was filled with a sense of hope and rest. Praise God. And then I read this speech. Wow Lord, you really love talking to me. Thank you :)

I know these words have yet to be tested. I know that the road is long, and before things could get better, it might probably get worse first. I know that there are divisions and preconceived notions about this man but these words...wow.

One of my top love languages is love through words. And words really get to me. Based on experience, you can trash me and mess me all up but if you write or say a great apology, all will be forgotten and wounds will actually get healed. That is how God finds me too, in His words, in the words of His songs...that's how I find my peace, through poetry, books and well-written lyrics. Words.

These words from the newly elected president's speech just overwhelm me. A lot of things ran through my head when I read these three striking lines I quoted. First was ministry. The challenges we face in the ministry (and the subministries) are real. There is gossip (widespread might I add), conflicts, divisions and lack of commitment. And I stopped at that. I almost lost passion for it. If people were drawn to Christ before, how come they're not drawn to Christians now? That was the main challenge. It broke my heart. But as the president said, the road to meeting these challenges may be long and steep, but they will be met. I want to meet the challenges that God allowed to take place in the ministry. I want to know, that my heart tried for Him. Until I am called elsewhere, I will stay.

Second thing that came into my mind was the changing landscape of almost everything in my life. New job, new people, new milestones, new places...and I know usually, typically, as a person goes through all these things, he or she tends to lose focus on the things that mattered before. But as Obama said, even if these things are old, these things are true. It just gave me such a great reassurance that even if the world around me changes, I don't have to feel foolish for holding onto the virtues of love, faith and hope. They are true. They are real. And most importantly, they last.

Lastly, I thought about selfishness and success...how people (myself included) seem to get a thrill at achieving something at the expense of something or someone. I mean, yes people get a thrill of achieving something without costing anything but the thrill is greater when it is at the expense of something or someone. There is such a sense of canibalismin us that I cannot quite understand. But again, it makes so much sense what Obama said. That it is not what we are going to be judged upon, that is not what will impact the world. It is what we will built, not destroy that will make a lasting, good difference. That is what will be meaningful. We seek to destroy the world and the people around us but Jesus came to rebuild it, to heal it, and to build a new life for us. And He is remembered for that. It is what impacts the world, not what impresses it, that we must seek on doing.

Good morning, America. Good morning, world. Good morning, Lianne :)

world peace

2009-01-18T23:11:00.000+08:00

the world would be a much better place without expectations.
and if i shut up :)

hello love :)

2009-01-14T09:35:00.004+08:00

yesterday, among the many topics of koreanovelas and movies (watch my sassy girl, i recommend it :) ) over lunch break, the subject of death and sickness was brought up.

and death is anything but a light topic. death has always some sort of gravity to it that you cannot escape, no matter how far or near the area of the subject is. it makes you think, even for awhile, what your life has become and if you will end well.

there have been a lot of talks about what is right and what is wrong, what are the rules and the guidelines, etc. etc. from all over the news with all the controversies we have involving our judicial system. and it was so usual and all. i did not give it much thought. but the subject of death provoked me to reflect upon all these questions.

and i realized, that at the end of the day, it's really not about the rules...and it's not really about understanding why this happened or that happened...although that is of significance, the most important thing is really, love.

when i die, i am sure i'm going to heaven, not because of the rules i followed, not even because i did some good deeds, or because i gave more to charity than the next person but really because someone died for me first. it is not about me. and it never was. the whole world says the cross is an old raggedy symbol of goodness, but is it really? to have a man you've humiliated, persecuted and shunned die for you when he could perform so many miracles and could've spared himself all the pain does not ring raggedy or old to me. it is not a symbol to me. it is not something that makes me scared to follow or else. but it assures me...that even beyond sickness, even beyond the confusion of death, i am loved.

i really am losing my religion and finding more of the heart of Christ, just as He is, and im finding that, life is too short and that when i die, i really just want my life to be rock and roll meaningful :) and it is... with Him :) knowing the right thing to do falls only secondary to living life right.

p.s. on a lighter note, i am deeply craving for a macchiato and a fruit shake. go figure. this is why i get tummy aches.

application -- 2008

2008-12-30T11:10:00.001+08:00

Here it goes, my goodbye to 2008. I thought I'd just try to be all witty and cute and say, "This year, I learned that I. AM. BEAUTIFUL." Hahahaha. That's so bading and bitter. But if there is one thing I experienced this year... it's that, self-centeredness can only lead to... self-destructive ways. Selflessness, on the other hand, yes, may lead to death... but it is a fulfilling one, if anything :)

This year, more than anything else, I learned the value and the gruesome, agonizing reality of application.

I mean, I know that I should put other people first. I know that when someone strikes me, vengeance will get me nowhere and it is best to stay in the power of silence. I know that I should not care about what other people say about me really, especially if they are not true. I know that God knows what is best for me. I know that love, true love, endures all things. I know that, actually, I am beautiful (haha).

I know all of that, and I thought, it was enough to face life knowing those things.

But like I said, application is an altogether different, gruesome, agonizing thing.

Application, if anything, is a choice. And the choices that I made this year, and the choices that people around me made this year, defined my 2008.

"The more I look around and listen I realize that I'm not alone. We are all facing choices that define us. No choice. However messy is without importance in the overall picture of our lives. We all at our own age have to claim something, even if it's only our own confusion. I am in the middle of growing up." -- Sabrina Ward Harrison

I am, indeed in the middle of growing up. I thought I already did... but God really has a way of putting you in your place. I'm really glad He did.

Of all the choices I made this year -- the choice to remain silent amidst the name calling, the choice to hold on even when there seems to be no hope of better days, the choice to endure despite the pain, the choice to laugh despite the sickness, the choice to pray despite the silence, the choice to excel despite the lack of cooperation -- and of all the choice people around me made this year, one choice mattered most: the choice to STAY.

If last year was about finding my home, this year was about choosing to stay at home.

It was not easy. I don't think it really ever was this year. But that's what makes it so fulfilling. I made it. I made it, and it is only on His grace that I know I made it.

I stayed. And some people stayed too. And I thank God so much for those people. I thank God for staying. I thank God for the choice to stay.

People don't always leave. Some people choose to stay.

I'm really glad I did. I'm really glad they did. I'm really grateful He did. Staying is not all about weakness, or vulnerability, or false martyrdom after all... Staying, most of the time, does take courage and strength. The courage to do a rare thing and the strength to follow through with it. It takes great love to stay. It takes loving hands to rummage through a pile of excess baggage, fallen debris, and to continuously knock on a locked door.

2008 was all about storms that tempted me to leave. But my heart knew where it belonged.

Thank you God, so much. I lost my religion but I found more of You.

I know, sometimes, staying just plain sucks but I learned that who you stay for matters too. And this choice to stay has been so worth it...because You have been so worth it.

Eyes on Jesus, hearts on the cross.

I began this year with a verse, "If I perish, I perish." (Esther 4:16) And perish, my self did. I let go of a lot of things that I never thought I would.
And pieces of my self died with those things. I walked away. And I don't regret them, painful as it may be. There is a certain kind of peace that only comes from knowing you obeyed... knowing you fought, hard, and that it is time to leave the battle in His hands.

But I'd like to close this year with Psalm 31, knowing, and trusting full well, that whatever 2009 holds, I know that whatever I let go of, has a purpose and that many perishing might happen, but I know... I'll live through it just like I did this year :) Have a hope-filled 2009, everyone :)

Psalm 31
In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my
fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and
guide me.
Free me from the trap that is set for
me.
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O Lord, the God of
truth.
I hate those who cling to worthless
idols;
I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not handed me over to the
enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious
place.
Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in
distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my
affliction.
and my bones grow weak.
Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends --
those who see me on the street flee
from me.
I am forgotten by them as though I
were dead.
I have become like broken pottery.
For I hear the slander of many,
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say "You are my God."
My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.
Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
Let me not be put to shame, O Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave.
Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the
righteous.
How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those
who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.
In the shelter of your presence you
hide them
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.
Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed his wonderful love to
me
when I was in a besieged city.
In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
Love the Lord, all his saints!
The lord preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.

space between?

2008-12-21T22:29:00.005+08:00

Are we back there?

No, not really. I mean, I'll never go back to the malabo days hahaha.

But we are in the space between of the past and the future. Healing from the traumatic past and uncertain of the future. Well, at least that's how I feel. I'm not sure if we are wanting the same things, or dreaming the same things.

I am sure I want to be with him. I am sure God told me what He told me almost exactly a year ago.

We'll see. It's one day at a time. One step of faith at a time.

"you cannot quit me so quickly. there's no hope in you for me. no corner you could squeeze me but i got all the time for you, love."

Yun yon eh :)

Hahahaha. But I have stopped fighting and I have somehow accepted the place we are at. God told me to stop fighting. And I have to admit, painful as it may seem, I know it is the right thing to do. I feel at peace knowing you are getting what you want.

Oh, my heart :)

On the lighter side of things, I am officially employed. Haha. Oh joy :) I don't know yet what to expect but I'm just going to do my best and glorify God. I want to glorify God :)

And this whole freedom thing...well, I don't know. But I know my heart is firm. Maybe instead of Space Between, we're singing Faithfully (by Journey) :)

And being apart aint easy
On this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh love, you stand by me
Im forever yours...faithfully

"Your heart is (Isaac)"

2008-12-01T21:16:00.003+08:00

It's the first time that we talked about God in such a deep way. I think it was two years ago, on the jeep going to Katipunan, after we bonded in the KKK retreat. Who knew that I'd be using that line to inspire me in this new journey I'm taking?

So this is what it feels like to offer Isaac. I wonder how in the world Abraham could have hurriedly ran to the place where God told Him to. Aw maaannn, the faith yo.

But the message last Sunday gave me hope. He gave up his most precious, favorite painting for the building of God's church and the painting never got sold. Sure, all the faith stories on sacrificial giving got to me, but that one just caused a lump in my throat to rise and the tears to well up.

The painting never got sold. But I'm sure that he did not know that before he gave it up. Otherwise it would not have been called faith, it would not have been called sacrifice.

Well, before I dwell so much on the fact in the end that the painting was protected from ever getting sold, I have to focus on the more important thing: which is the giving it up.

And the trusting...The trusting that He knows best. That I know who He says is best.

the brown pants story

2008-11-25T18:25:00.002+08:00

We all have our set of brown pants in our lives. Last Sunday, Ptr.Peter talked about how, for two years, he's been wanting to wear this pair of brown pants but he has not because for two years, he has also been asking his wife week in and week out to fix the length because it's too long for him. He would put out the pants on a hanger, ask his wife to fix it, and, as he said "the magicians of the house would make the pants disappear back into the closet" and he would not not be able to wear it for that weekend. That went on for two years. Until last weekend, he asked his wife, "Honey, why didn't you fix the brown pants yet?" And she said "What pants?" (Everyone laughed at this part by the way, even I did, and I was not in the sunshiniest of moods) And he tried to stay calm and said "The brown pants I've been asking you to fix for two years, honey" (Oh the laughter at his saying this phrase through his teeth hahaha) And she said "I already fixed it" And he put them on and it was actually fixed. For two years, every time he would take it out, it still seemed long. HMMM.

The power of the mind. The deception of the heart.

We all have our brown pants story.

"Alam mo ba, pag nakikita kita, hindi maiwasan ng puso kong
mahalin ka?" - Kahit Isang Saglit

Romantic notions aside (although yes, it very well applies to that as well), loving in general has been something I cannot really stop myself from doing (And I say that not in all haughtiness but in all ARGHness hahaha). Sometimes, it seems so tempting to throw the towel, walk out and quit. Sometimes, it's really so tempting to just hibernate and be selfish. Pero pag nakikita ko si God, napapatigil ako. Someone said it's valid to be angry at someone when they did something bad to you, but to have someone be angry at you for doing something good, that's crazy. And I SO agree. But ya, when I think about giving up, that's what I do to Him. Those who do not know forgiveness, does not know Jesus. It was too much (OUCH) for me, but yes, indeed is true. You can only really know Jesus through the cross and the cross is everything good and powerful, especially forgiveness. So there is no either or. It's not easy but I am not giving up.

And I don't want to. "When I am hurt, I am only able to forgive when I think about Jesus" (Cue for me last Sunday to sigh heavily and try to blink back tears) AMEN.

I'm putting out my brown pants and I'm going to wear them. Wrong length or not, just the thought that someone wanted to fix it for me is more than good enough for me.

...Nunc Autem Manet Fides Spes Caritas Tria Haec Maior Autem Horum Est CARITAS (But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE)

24.

2008-11-08T10:17:00.003+08:00

Yes, I turned 24 yesterday. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. I'm 24 (but now and forever will be 17 hahaha ang labo). It's okay, being mistaken for a high school student and a college freshie is good enough for me :)) So another year huh? Hmmm.

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning..." (Ecclesiastes 7:8)

2008 is not the warm and fuzzy, cotton candy colors and bright lights year. BUT as I was reading the verse written above, I realized that it's the bottom line that matters. And the bottom line is that 2008 made me grow -- SO much. It was fun AND meaningful (hahaha yun yon eh). And rather than a wish list, I'd rather list down the 23 things that got me to my 24th year :)

[no particular order really]

23. Closed Doors -- Oh, the joy of knowing that I tried, fought and did my best...exhausted my heart to the core and the relief of realizing I can finally stop fixing, clearing things and chasing. And the fulfillment of leaving the rest to God and His perfect time.

22. NGC (National Geographic Channel) -- Images like the tiger chasing and catching the little helpless rabbits (pasintabi sa mga kumakain hahaha) assured me that no matter how heavy the persecution, as long as I have God, no one can ever devour me to the core. Hahaha.

21. Food Trips -- Mapa SM Mega food court or Healthy Kitchen or UP or Katip or mamahaling restawrant, iba talaga ang kumakain kasama ng mga taong mahilig din kumain. Hahahaha.

20. Rain and rainbows -- Everytime I had a bad day, it would always rain. I felt like God tells me He's with me in my pain when it rains. And the rainbows after are His assurances that everything will be okay.

19. Graduation -- Do I need to say more? The thought that I am done with school officially is just wow. But of course I'll go back, the nerd that I am hahaha. Oh and surviving all that I survived in UP really affirmed my life testimony verse that we are more than conquerors. Woohoo.

18. Job Interviews -- One of the things God said NO to this year. That I get a job right away when I start looking. Now I am caught between 2 great companies. These numerous job interviews showed me how much I've grown and how much I actually do know myself and what I really prioritize in life. It challenged me to stand firm and focus on what I want and what God wants for me, despite the temptations of getting whatever came my way.

17. All the 17ths of the year -- It reminds me why God is my absolutely favorite author of all time. It assures me that God cares about my love story, and He cares about all the intricate details in it. It amazes me of how faithful He has been in our lives together.

16. The chances to be a friend, the opportunities to love -- Ptr.Peter once said that the only cure to feeling alone is to going out of your way to help others. I think that says it all.

15. The friends who stayed (and lets me know it) -- Words will never capture how grateful I am. The random texts, even the forwards, the how are yous, the calls, the e-mails...everything. It means so much. You make me fear less by making me believe that people don't always leave.

14. Dates with God -- KILIG. I've learned how to listen more and talk less, thank more and ask less. I've learned more how to apply the 'let go and let God' concept.

13. New friends -- People who have always been around but I never really got to know till this year. The laughs, the jokes, small chats...are much, much appreciated. Thank you for opening up your lives. Thank you for letting me open mine. New friends make me look forward to finishing this race.

12. Jan-Ace -- I love my weird brother who loves his weird sister. Oh, all the weird moments and conversations keep me sane.

11. Shawn Moments -- I love my cousins, especially this one. Naloka ako in a good way with all your lines, kiddo (He's 5) "Ayoko maging chef and doctor kahit gusto ko pareho. Doctor nalang kasi pag dalawa trabaho ko uuwi na ako ng 9:30, late na yun eh, mapapagod ako." HUWAT. Grabe, nakakaloka.

10. Music / Writing -- I praise God for music. I especially want to say thank you Jzone Music Ministry, Hillsong United, Chris Tomlin, Group 1 Crew, Kirk Franklin, Josh Bates, Coldplay, U2, Corrinne May, Howie Day, Feist, Snow Patrol, Beyonce, David Cook, Eraserheads.

The ability to be able to write what I feel is such a blessing. And I learned this year that words can also be expressed in silence :)

9. Praying with and for parents -- There's such beauty and power in prayer with the people you love.

8. Primetime Bida / OTH -- HAHAHAHA. Art imitates life (except Iisa Pa Lamang).

7. GB Heart-to-heart talks -- Moving. Always brings us closer, and brings me closer to God.

6. People who love more and judge less -- As Mother Theresa said, "If you judge people, you don't have time to love them." Grabe, there should be more of these in the world :) They give me hope, especially on the really bad days. And they make my good days :)

5. The evolution of my hair -- LOVE IT. Hahahaha.

4. Tears -- Before, I had to sit for long hours and summon them. Now, they come flowing effortlessly. Thank you God for breaking my walls.

3. My daughters -- Sunshines. I am continuously encouraged, strengthened and blessed through each and everyone of you. God works in brokenness and in my brokenness, I have come to know each and everyone of you. Wow. Truly, we're meant to be.

2. GB -- I'm learning that love is staying, and never leaving again.

1. The "NO"s from God -- They shook my world, and my life, even my heart. But God managed to diminish the value of everything else in my life, so that His could be magnified. The things that used to rattle me and scare me so much no longer have a hold on me. God said NO to me many times this year but I've come to realize that I will always find Him worthy of my YES.

Thanks for everyone who remembered, greeted, called, e-mailed, YMed. I am blessed by all of you.

im letting the sky fall

2008-11-04T21:38:00.004+08:00

I should've done this a long time ago, some people might say. But...I don't regret staying as long as I did. Sometimes, you just have to try every possible thing you can, exhaust your heart to its core, before you let go. Fortunately or unfortunately, my heart takes a longer time getting exhausted. It's been a year, at least. Darn optimist, versatile heart, I always say. Hahaha.

It has come to the point where I just have to pry my heart away from fighting the falling sky. I never thought friendships could end but I'm discovering that they actually do. I have to let the sky fall now. I have to. For you. For me. For Him, the one who will take care of me as I walk away from all of this.

The good memories I have kept the hope burning in my heart...but now, it just brings me the strength to move on. I'm moving on. I want to stop chasing after you.

I want to just stop....just stop thinking I can fix things, that things could ever go back to the way they were, that you will eventually come back. I want to just stop taking all the punches from your end.

I want to stop preventing the sky from falling. I'm the only one doing it, and it has become more tiring than I thought it would be.

So I'm packing and I'm leaving. I'm done.

I'm realizing that there's a difference between giving up on someone and giving up what you have. I'm finding that the latter is what I need to do, and that the former is what I never did (which I can only pray you will see someday).

Goodbye. Not that I think it would matter much based on what I've been getting these past years, but I've never been one to end things by just disappearing. Ironically, saying goodbye would be my last attempt to let you know I really do love you.

If He wills it that my heart cross yours again, it will be a whole new different sky we'll be under.

NO.

2008-10-21T20:14:00.007+08:00

"Frequently it is when we are crushed and devastated that the cross speaks most powerfully to us. The wounds of Christ then become Christ's credentials. The world mocks, but we are assured of God's love by Christ's wounds."
—D. A. Carson (How Long Lord?)

"My vocation is...to be happy in another way, to find happiness in love and self-sacrifice." - Princess Marya (War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy)

I dislike clowns. I've never been a fan and I don't think I ever will be. But lately I've been seeing a whole new side of them. It's a side that I have come to understand more deeply.

Do you know that saying, it's better to pretend you're happy than show the world you're sad? That's what clowns are. A smile on the outside but a heart dying in agony on the inside. Reality reflects that. I've read the biographies of some of the most well-known comedians of our time and most of them have the most tragic life stories. For people who can make us laugh so much, they sure have a lot of unshed tears.

Most of them have had experiences of their fathers saying "NO" to them. One famous comedian would get beaten up by his dad but still, he would strive so hard to be the perfect son. To this, the dad would just keep saying "NO," beating him up every single time he failed him which was almost always. One left him when he was still very young and when he got older and looked for him, the dad said "NO, you are not my son," to his face.

I still don't like clowns but I'm finding that I'm developing a heart for them. I now know, more than ever, what it means to mask sorrow and to have it kill your heart in the process. But I won't result to a plastered fake smile. I will die fighting the world who tries so hard to reconstruct the walls God died for to destroy.

But yes, on most days, it's easier said than done. If the "NO"s of their fathers resulted to the continuous masking of their sorrows and shielding of their hearts, the "NO" of my Father has resulted into my nakedness, the baring of my heart.

Last year, I was overwhelmed with all the "YES"s that God gave me. They were big ones and small ones. Big victories and small triumphs. Miracles and blessings. These "YES"s have pointed me home -- towards Him. And I love home. I love Him.

This year, I've gotten "NO"s. It has overwhelmed me as well. Big losses and tragic endings. Pains and hurts. There are not the daily "NO"s you encounter in your day to day lives. No, my Father had something else in mind. They were the "NO"s that shattered me. "NO"s that made me weep. If the "YES"s led me home, these "NO"s have been tempting me to leave home. But my heart is dying to stay. I know I still love staying. I know I still love Him.

I want my heart to die. I know I really do. Hearts were made to be broken after all. And I want to love Him and fall at His feet despite and in spite of the "NO"s. But it's really easier said than done.

It's so hard to die. There are days when tears just flow freely and effortlessly. I don't really know when they will come but I know that they will and that they should, it's my only way of keeping the walls from reconstructing. It's so hard to die. It's even harder to die alone. But that is what my year verse is. The year verse I so boldly uttered at the beginning of this year.

"If I perish, I perish" (Esther 4:16)

Esther didn't go inside that palace with her friends and her family hand-in-hand with her, cheering her on with banners and comfort food. They all had their own issues (haha). They were too deep into their mourning. It was not for them to stand up and come face-to-face with death. That was her story. Only hers. And no one could do it for her or with her.

She went inside alone, on God's strength, soaring on His love. Amidst a thousand people who probably thought she was foolish. To face a king who was unmoved by her. She went in there alone. And rightly so.

I'm going into these battles alone. I know it in my heart. This continuous dying is so painful because it won't end. There is no death that will eventually stop it until the end of this race, it is a continuous, day-to-day dying. And all I am tasked to do is let it happen. Let the dying happen. And I'm hearing God say His favorite line to me "And rightly so, Lianne. And rightly so."

Now I am not so bold as to say my year verse, for I do not know what kind of self-sacrificing situations I need to face but I do humbly, with all that is in me say, if I have to die so I could be with You and please You and make a difference for You Father, then I will die.

I cannot count how many "NO"s I've heard Him say this year but I know I want to keep saying "YES" to Him, and only Him. Because I think of the many times I've said "NO" to Him and He has said "YES" to me over and over again. No one has said "YES" to me as many times as He did even after being rejected so many times. And we all know rejection is a cruel, cruel thing. I'm not even worth that "YES" and He still said it, over and over. He even demonstrated it, on the cross. I know no love greater than that. I know no "YES" more beautiful than that. The whole world has spat on my face, shunned me, hurt me, messed me up and I've tried so hard to get its "YES"s. Yet the God of the universe, the God of the heavens, my heavenly Father, has been trying hard to get mine. I know it may sound so overrated but I don't think there's anything overrated with true love. Nothing overrated with self-sacrifice. If anything, disappointments and people are overrated.

Oh, my heart. Hold on.

The "NO"s of this year cannot and will never compare to the "YES" of eternity.

a song for my love

2008-10-21T09:36:00.001+08:00

Don't turn your laughing eyes away
You know I love you
There's no need to be afraid
Hearts are made to be broken
They get stronger by the day
I'll take a chance and drop all my defenses
Just to hear you say...

How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cause you already know
No matter the distance
I'll stay on the road to your heart

You say I've been a fool too long
You wonder why I have the strength to carry on
I see through your weakness
Your tough guy iron mask
It's not really that hard or complicated
There's no need to ask...

How long is the road
How long is the ride
How long is the darkness till we get to the light
Go easy on me
Cause you already know
No matter the distance I'll stay on the road to your heart
I'll stay on the road to your heart
I'll stay on the road to your heart

- Stay On The Road by Corrinne May -

hide and seek

2008-10-02T17:12:00.001+08:00

they said you can find lianne in her writing. what if lianne stops writing. hahaha. WHAT.

after 10 years...

2008-10-01T17:54:00.002+08:00

*drumbeats please*

i know what im wishing for my birthday this year. hahaha yes! i actually have a wish for my birthday. i havent had one since i turned 13 :) this is a LEAP of faith for me just wishing so praise God. and if He wants to make this the one big YES that i get this year, then i know it will come true :)

i missed the good in the morning

2008-09-30T17:00:00.007+08:00

"The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day. Everyday we face the same truth: that life is fleeting, that our time here is short and to honor those who have gone, we must live our own lives well." - One Tree Hill

I know it's still three months until the end of the year. And it's too early for my yearly recap of the year that was but I haven't really written my heart out lately that when my heart begged me to at this point, I simply could not help but comply.

I remember the day he said it. It was about a year and a half ago. I was insisting on him letting her go. And he looked at me, with eyes unguarded, sincere, in pain and said "I've already stopped saying good morning to her. Do you know how hard that is for me?" And I stood there, in silence.

I stood there, in silence, not because I didn't want to argue anymore but because, for the life of me, I didn't understand how hard it was for him. I racked my brain for some similar memory but I couldn't. I just couldn't. There was a pang in my heart. But I think, it was more for me, than for him. Because I just couldn't remember what it was like to be involved in routines, in habits, in the goodness in the mornings.

Really. I used to take comfort in the regularity of things but that was before I learned that changes are inevitable and you cannot hold onto something for so long. Haha, great. I sound totally cynical but it is true. I have managed to avoid falling into a routine of some sort with anyone. I refuse to stand by something that isn't going to last anyway. I thought I was safe that way. Of course again, I was dead wrong.

This year was all about change. And even though I denied my heart from partaking in any, it was about breaking routines and habits. I mean graduation alone brought about numerous lifestyle changes. There were relationship changes, friendship adjustments, life-shattering discoveries and earth shaking revelations too. I thought I was safe from all of those because I was avoiding attachments. Yet God made me realize that the heart is a versatile and tough thing.

I realized that the routines, the habits, the things that stay the same -- they are necessary to stay afloat amidst the changes that take place. When I was drowning in my sea of uncertainties, I was desperately looking for something familiar, something that was constant, something that I knew would stay - at least for one more day. It was then that it dawned on me how much I missed truly being a part of something. I mean, really being all there with something.

I'm relieved and I just praise God I still have a chance to make a turnaround. I know I will very soon be a part of the regular workforce of society. I have heard so many people telling me what it's going to be like - old friends saying I won't have time for meeting up anymore, church friends saying I won't have time for ministry work anymore, parents saying I won't have time to rest anymore and employers saying my ideals will come tumbling down. Yes, I've been briefed more times than I'd like to be, on what to expect as I enter a new chapter in my life.

And this is where I make the turnaround. Because even though that is what the world tells me to expect, I will hope for other things. I will hope that my friends believe that I still care as much as I did before I graduated and that, when it is their turn, I will get the same message from them. I will hope that my partners in ministry will still be driven with zeal for God's work and stay. I will hope that my family will still want to spend time with me. I will hope that beyond all the bad publicity of the 'real world', God will give me credible people to work with - those whose ideals are still intact or might have tumbled but are still willing to rebuild them.

Most of all, as I interact with the constant changes in my life, I will pray and make sure that my heart remains true to what it is and what really matters to it. I will pray and make sure that it remembers everyday what it matters - by getting involved once again in those things called routines, habits and the goodness in the mornings.

Because even though those things do not seem to last, I now know I am living a half-life with a heart that is half-involved. I now know that, even if it kills me, I'd almost give anything to fully understand what he meant that day. I now believe that, even if it is killing me, I'd give everything to honor my Jesus who died on the cross for me.

golden silence

2008-09-28T22:03:00.003+08:00

"the music of the universe is the background of the small picture which we call music. our sense of music, our attraction to music, shows that there is music in the depth of our being. music is behind the working of the whole universe. what makes us feel drawn to music is that our whole being is music; our mind and our body, the nature in which we live, the nature which has made us, all that is beneath and around us, it is all music... every person is music, perpetual music, continually going on day and night; and your intuitive faculty can hear that music. that is the reason why one person is repellent and the other attracts you. it is the music he expresses; his whole atmosphere is charged with it." - hazrat inayat khan

chris cornell has this new song. well it is new to me. i heard in OTH's last episode. and i just HAD to download it. its called scream. and towards the end of the song, chris keeps singing "i used to think that silence was golden." from what i get, the whole song is about how the whole world or this one person in particular keeps screaming at him for no particular reason. i mean hes talking but the person is just screaming. theres too much. and he just wants to be heard. dont you just love how music does that? how it captures into words what you cannot? song writers are poets, i tell you.

i used to think silence was golden too. hahaha. i mean it probably still is but there are just moments you want it broken. there are just moments you want to break your silence so you could be heard over the screaming. probably what chris meant with his song. i had about 5 dreams last night. and it tired me out. in all the dreams, i was insisting on my right to talking. i kept talking and talking and talking in all of my dreams. just letting my tongue loose and saying everything ive been wanting to and each time the dream gets to the consequence part, the dream changes. hahaha. dont you just love dreams for that? jan-ace, who was sleeping at my pull out bed said i kept tossing and turning and making weird noises. hahaha. yup, tiring night. i guess if i couldnt talk in the real world, God allowed me to talk in the dream world. hahaha.

and i guess thats how can i say that silence is golden. because silence contains all the things that you want to say but cant. theyre too powerful, too overwhelming that once released, could really cause ripples. silence is golden because it contains all of those powerful and overwhelming things in your heart. silence is golden because it is in silence that God speaks the most to us. its been quite difficult but i have learned to listen more now that i have been subjected to silence. im finding that you hear so much more in silence rather than when you join in the noise.

for instance, you could hear your heart breaking. and even beyond the breaking, you can hear it say let me break so i can be restored. you can also hear your fearful mind. but beyond the fears you can hear it saying you can overcome this, firmly.

chris cornell mightve wanted to join in the screaming to stop it but i think ill pass. i think ill stick to silence. from experience, joining in the screaming just makes the screams louder. silence, on the other hand, though sometimes defeaning, is golden. it is wise. it waits. it holds on. it understands... it sees that the noise will eventually stop. and when it stops, ill get my turn. and i wont scream. id sing :)

"there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how. i dont know how." - dont go away sung by oasis

philippine blog awards 2008

2008-09-12T10:50:00.002+08:00

im voting for "just curious" -- myuzeeshun.blogdrive.com

im voting for this blog because i love it. isnt that reason more than enough? :) i feel the life throbbing from the bloggers posts. its about anything under the sun - love, stress, work, music, love, friends, love - things that we can all relate to. and it doesnt try to be overly intelligent with polysyllabic words or poetic nonsense but its just real, its just down to earth, its just honest, something the world needs a little more of.

Level Up! Games
Nokia
Blog Bank
Smart Communications
Josiah’s Catering
Rsun Technology Store
Yahoo
XFM 92.3
Buddy Gancencia Reality TV
Ultravision Photo and Video
Click Booth
Aloha Board Sports
Sheero Media Solution
YourPinoyBroker.com
Belo Medical Group
Inquirer.Net
Toshiba
ROAM Magazine
PLDT
Red Box
Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf

take one for the team

2008-09-09T22:43:00.004+08:00

"ENDURE. take it. make the choice that no one else will make - the right choice." - alfred pennyworth, the dark knight

this is like my new life motto. seriously. endure. you know the whole dark knight movie experience was complete already when i heard that line. endure. hahaha. what a laugh. hahaha. endure. im going crazy.

i loved the movie. i loved it because it showed that there's still room for people like batman. people who take one for the team. gordon said that batman can take it, he can afford to be chased because even though he's the hero that gotham needs, he's not the hero that gotham wants at the moment. wow. am i batman? hahaha.

let's face it. there really is a good and bad side to every story no matter how much we say there are gray areas. at the end of the day, we make up our minds on which one is the good side and which one is the bad side. and if we want to convince ourselves that it's a gray area, at the back of our minds, we have a conclusion on which leans more towards the good side and which one leans more to the bad side. i think i got stuck on the bad side. got stuck and is still stuck.

but it's easier -- and much less painful for the greater number of people to believe that the person who's always been on the good side is still on the good side, that harvey is still the hero that gotham needs always and forever and that he didn't turn into some two-faced vengeful killer than to look the other way and believe that the person who's always been stumbling and making mistakes is actually on the good side, that batman the mysterious crime busting egotistic person is the hero that they've actually been waiting for.

ya, the altruist. go take one for the team.

i'm happy batman has alfred who tells him to endure. he has alfred who explains things for him and who believes in him. i think we all need an alfred to tell us to endure and take one for the team. am i making sense? hahaha. i think my brain is half asleep.

i have a prayer for the people who take one for the team. for the batmans in the gotham cities. my prayer is that they find their strength to endure and take it and make the right choice, even if no one seems to be making it. i pray that they find an alfred who believes in the greatness in them. i pray they know that even if they're taking the bad side all the time for the greater good, that it won't be that way forever.

and i pray for the teams, the gotham cities, that someday, their eyes will open -- and their hearts will breakdown their walls...so that they could see that the goods and the harveys have changed their ways and that the bads and the batmans are there to stay. i pray that no matter how painful that realization is, that they take it, that they endure. because at the end of all it will be worth it -- they will finally be with the good people who are willing to lay their hearts and lives and pride for the team and they will finally get the heroes that they truly need.

2008-08-24T20:37:00.001+08:00

"my heart is enduring so much to the point of death but it doesnt die." -- anonymous

amen to that, sister.

2,204-word love story of a whore

2008-08-20T15:29:00.008+08:00

"many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find?"
(proverbs 20:6)

the Bible is so full of wisdom. this is SO true. many claim undying love, unfailing love, unconditional love, me included, but where is the faithfulness? we can claim to have it, but where in the world can we find someone who actually goes through with it and live it?

you see i think we all grew up with this grand notions of what unfailing love is. you know, great adventures - watching sunsets together on a paradise beach, climbing mountains and having breakfast at the top, dancing in a disney-animated-film-like ballroom...yup, love is grand like that. but is that what unfailing love really is?

unfailing. it is defined as "never ceasing, never coming to an end." well if unfailing love is characterized by all those grand gestures of so-called romantics, then what happens when those adventures end? its not unfailing anymore right? all great adventures end. therefore great adventures, grand gestures do not equate unfailing love. unfailing love is not waiting for the next big date.

no dont get me wrong. i love sunsets. i love mountains. i love beaches. im all for that. im all for adventure. but im more for unfailing love.

unfailing love -- faithfulness, as the verse above said, is based on the everyday things. on the little things. because those everyday things can be limitless. in those tasks, you are able to have the choice of not ceasing. phone calls just to check in at the end of the day or a trip somewhere, goodnight and good morning sweet nothings, letters, emails...the unceasing, regularity of it all -- thats where you can find faithfulness. it is devotion on a crappy day, it is pursuit even when you dont feel like it, it is a hug despite all the pain. because as one of my favorite movies said, 'the perfect man could be anywhere in the world but he'd rather be with you.' rather, being the operative word. unfailing love...its a day to day, moment by moment choice to remain unceasing. in love.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i read this 2,204-word love story. it started with this princess. she was a very lonely princess. she got everything she wanted of course -- great education, pretty dresses, nice toys -- except love. she couldnt buy love. although she had the love of friends and sisters, she never really experienced what it was like to be loved by her father. the king was far too busy, managing the kingdom and expanding his territories. he loved this girl of course, but he never really bothered spending much time to get to know her. for him, the establishment of his power and riches was also a gesture of love for his eldest daughter. after all, she would not be able to enjoy all the great things if he didnt work so hard, right?

well the princess grew up into a fine lady. and one day, she fell in love with this prince. the prince was this dashing, charming gentleman from another kingdom and the princess was unable to resist him. they spent many days together, going on adventures with their friends, finding things to laugh about, the prince serenading her, the princess wooing him with her gifts...they were in love.

however one day, the wisest man in all the land, spoke to the prince and the princess. he said it would be wise to separate for there are far too many things that must be accomplished and their relationship will get in the way of all of it. this broke the prince and the princess' hearts but they obeyed for they knew the wisest man knew best.

all the while that the prince and princess were working on their own tasks, their hearts remained in waiting for each other. although the prince met many fair ladies from other nearby kingdoms, his heart was set on returning to the princess. he thought the wisest man meant to wait for the right time. he didnt know the wisest man meant to wait for the right person. but the prince discovered that for himself.

he met her on an ordinary day, this right person. it was just like any other day -- sun shining, everyone going about their business, he was with his friends. everything was ordinary except her. she wasnt wearing anything grand. she was just wearing an ordinary maidens dress, her hair around her shoulders, her face tired. yet he was drawn to her for reasons he couldnt quite explain.

as he began to ask about her, he found out that he was the village whore. she has been with many men and she has been to many places. she was a gypsy, eccentric, spontaneous, unstable. once, he even spotted her near his castle, walking with a young man. another affair i suppose, he thought. but even after all of these, he never stopped finding out more about her.

meanwhile, the princess was unaware of this pursuit. she was going about her usual tasks, her heart still in waiting. and as for the gypsy, the village whore, she began to notice the persistent pursuit of the prince (oi!alliteration.sorry cant help but point it out hahaha) she tried to stay away. people told her she was not of his kind. she knew he was to be married someday to a princess. and she knew what he possibly thought of her. a whore, just like everyone else. a whore, though she has always been the one abandoned and betrayed by every man in her life, even her father.

but at the end of the day, her feet would lead her near the palace gates, where he would be standing, doing his tasks. and there she would sit and watch him closely. after he was done with his duties, he would sit with her by the palace gates and talk with her for hours and hours. as he amused her with stories from his past battles, from the affairs of the kingdom and his friends, she longed to know him more.

and so the inevitable happened. the two fell in love. what started out as afternoon conversations blossomed into a beautiful love affair. she would show him around her gypsy world full of adventures and escapades, while he would whisk her away in his world of order and knowledge. by and by, the prince forgot of the princess in waiting. until she came for a visit.

the princess came unexpectedly with her friends to the prince' palace where the gyspy was busy painting the prince' portrait by the garden where she was to await his return. as the princess entered the palace, heart anticipating her prince' sweet presence, her eyes widened at the sight of the gypsy by the garden. as her friends marched over angrily to where the gypsy sat, they were bewildered to see the prince coming in from his business meeting, lean in to kiss the gypsy on her cheek. the princess heart broke. and she ran, with her angry friends right on her heels.

the princess spent days and nights locked up in her room, unable to eat, unable to do anything but cry. all the encouragement of her friends didnt work. even their plans to scare the gypsy away didnt work in cheering her up. she just wanted her prince back. her sadness became so alarming that they had to make it known to the king. the king immediately asked about what happened and when he saw his daughter sprawled pale and devastated on her bed, he was enraged.

and so he summoned his soldiers, his advisers, his lawyers to his chamber. he wanted that prince to suffer for what he did but he knew that his death would mean shattering his daughter's heart. so how could he make him suffer? through the gypsy, of course. brilliant, get it done, he said to his advisers. they wasted no time.

immediately, the soldiers went to where the gypsy's house and arrested her. when she came face to face with the king, she demanded to know what her offense was and what she was being held in captive for. the king told her treachery to the land by propagating prostitution. and she cried out in protest. thats not true, she exclaimed. the king just laughed and left. the soldiers beat her up until they felt tired and released her.

the gypsy told none of this to the prince. she kept silent, kept distant. but even though she hid this from him, she visited him everyday at the palace gardens where she sat waiting for him, painting his portrait.

for three weeks, the gypsy suffered the same fate day in and day out at the prison. she would be summoned at least twice a week to the palace and be forced to confess. but she wouldnt. once, the princess came down to where the dungeons were. he will never love you the way he loved me, the princess said. exhausted from all the beatings, the gypsy spat at the princess. stay away, she said. to this, the princess ran away angrily and sent a telegram to the prince of what happened.

the next day, the gypsy sat waiting by the palace gardens again for the prince. when she saw him, her eyes lit up and anticipated his embrace yet he stared at her with eyes in tears. how could you hurt my friend like that, he asked. the gypsy sat still and cried for forgiveness and explained herself. still, she said nothing about the prison. and the beatings.

finally, the king got fed up. he asked the soldiers to summon all the villagers to the plaza. then, he asked that the gypsy be brought there to be tied up at the center of the plaza. when all was placed according to his plan, the king approached the humiliated, beaten and exhausted gypsy. confess now to the whore you are or await your prince arrival to see the pain in his face as he witnesses your death. no, the gypsy pleaded. but to this the king just laughed.

the gypsy closed her eyes. she knew the prince loved her dearly and her death would mean heartbreak but she also knew that if she admitted to being a prostitute, that he would never look at her the same way again, never as the lovely lady who drew his attention to have conversations by the palace gates.and a thought came to her. but i could still paint his portrait everyday, wait for him and paint his portrait by the garden. she looked at the king. he had angry eyes but he knew beneath those eyes was a father pained with helplessness to rescue his daughter from her pain. a king in pain for the broken heart of his princess. the gypsy knew what she had to do.

with tears streaming down her cheeks, she hung her head in surrender. i confess, she whispered. the king approached her, whats that, he asked. i said i confess to my sins, father. the king ignored the title by which she called him and announced her confession. the crowd gasped. the king laughed and gave her a piece of paper to sign in admission to everything she was being accused of. once you sign this, it will all be over, i will stop bothering you, he promised. and she signed it. the king walked away, eager to show it to his daughter. and one by one, with disgusted looks, the villagers walked away. everyone left except the wisest man.

he gently approached her and knelt beside her. he loosened the ropes around her wrists and wrapped his arms around her. the gypsy fell into his hands sobbing. im here now my child, im not leaving, he whispered. i am ruined, she cried. you did a good thing for your sister, i am proud of you, he said holding her closer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

unfailing love. we all claim it, but where can we find faithfulness to it? the princess loved the prince with great love but even that couldnt keep him. instead it was the gypsy, the gypsy who, day in and day out, painted his portrait and waited for him by the garden that did. it wasnt the great ending that the people dreamt for the prince and princess that made the love story, it was the sweet, unrelenting pursuit of the prince and the gypsys heartbreaking sacrifice for him.

i dont know all the answers and steps to a successful relationship. i dont know all the ingredients to create the perfect formula for the perfect love story. but i do know this: when the going gets tough, the faithful keeps loving. i know that even at the times when the emotions or fun arent there, the faithful keeps writing love letters. i know that even at the most exhausted state, the faithful keeps calling. i know that even in the most painful circumstances, the faithful keeps forgiving...i know that much.

and i know, that even the faithful here on earth fail but the heavenly Father, the wisest of all, will never.

the fragile

2008-08-19T17:02:00.001+08:00

she shines
in a world full of ugliness
she matters when everything is meaningless

fragile
she doesn't see her beauty
she tries to get away
sometimes
it's just that nothing seems worth saving
but i can't watch her slip away

i won't let you fall apart

she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
hoping someone can see
if I could fix myseld I'd... but it's too late for me

I wont let you fall apart

we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking...

it's something I have to do
I was there, too
before everyhting else
I was like you

--by nine inch nails--

happiness is not overrated

2008-08-11T14:06:00.002+08:00

i dont really like posting wee-happy blogs. its my sense of pessimism that prevents me from doing so. i somehow think that if i write something really happy, the universe will conspire to make sure i dont stay that way.

well i am happy. despite all the weird people and messed up events.

black, white and silver. God is so creative :)

i believe that i heard God right. and i believe that when i claimed him as my best, i was not on an emotional high or a delusional state. i was sure. i am sure.

i am happy. and i believe. thank you :)

second chances and then some

2008-08-06T16:02:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish the sky fell. SOMETIMES ok? because then id have a valid enough reason to be all bawling and hibernating in my room. then id have an excuse not to face the world and be all strong and courageous facing it.

sometimes.

do you ever have those moments? those moments where you desperately wanted a second chance and once you got it, you wished you didnt but knew that you were just wishing that because its hard to grasp the second chance?

its just that, once you make this gigantic mistake, people seldom really forgive. after all, its only God who can really do that.

you know it. you know it can never be the same. when the person starts to build their own dreams apart from the ones you built together, or when the person starts to plan their own stuff, or when the person starts to...find themselves. hahaha, now youve really hurt them.

the worse part is, they never tell you straight. you just sort-of...read them. and you know them, so you can see through the we're fine speeches and the whole it's just you being paranoid gloss over speech. second chances are difficult.

i think when you get them, you have to somehow earn the worth of the second chance. like you have to work not to make the person regret it.

i dont know. im sort-of rambling i know.

God told me to just let it go. to just...stay put. but its easier said than done. when everything youve built is slipping away, changing right before your very eyes. and what kills you is that everyone else is oblivious to it. hahaha. like what jennifer love said in if only when the guy said i dont understand whats wrong and she said "thats what kills me."

i have to stay put. and just...live. start rebuilding things as well i guess. get haircuts. new beginnings. that sort of thing.

cause second chances rarely come. and i wouldnt want to move a muscle anymore knowing that whenever i move, something falls apart. i cant risk that again. cause as much as this whole second chance thing is difficult, it would kill me not to have it.

of great things and mermaids

2008-07-15T16:10:00.004+08:00

its UAAP season once again. hahaha. back to great games, great pep squad routines and school spirit stuff.

its irritating kind of spectators once again.

you know those people that coach outloud from where theyre seated (try gen ad). yes "coach." they shout plays, they dictate what the players should be doing right at that moment and they get really frustrated, like stomping of the feet and some murmuring and cursing when things dont go as how they "coached" it.

i mean, why? hahaha.

and it got me thinking as i sat down beside one of them during last weekend's game. we all want to be part of something great.

ya, we do. and sometimes, coaching from the sidelines with all gusto is our little glimpse at being great. feeling like were a part of the giants fighting their battle on the court. the man who's belly is sitting on top of the waistline of his jeans and whose lungs are drained from all his screaming, is just trying to live out his innate, naturally human desire to be part of something great.

ever since i was a kid, ive always wanted to be a part of something great. like an underwater kingdom. yes, little mermaid. i wanted to be a part of that undiscovered, mysterious, colorful, adventurous world. if ariel was singing "part of your world" to prince eric, i was singing it back to her hahaha.

i remember how my heart shattered when i found out the earth shaking truth: mermaids are mythical creatures.

the dolphin dances, the pretty songs and the mighty king for a father that lived in the underwater castle all vanished in my mind. my soul began to simply sink.

that soul hasnt surfaced until He found me. Him, God. it was that one, quiet, ordinary day when my Father, a real mighty king, swept me up in His arms and told me, come back princess.

and i had this naive thought that the underwater castles and dolphin dances and pretty songs were all gonna come back.

they did, for a little while.

but heart shattering and earth shaking truths kept knocking them off into the air. into oblivion. into numbness.

day by day, this princess just stopped wanting to be part of something great.

today, as i sit in front of my computer, listening to the gentle pour of the rain outside, remembering the old man shouting plays to the players down below...i realized, being part of something great is not the same as becoming great.

sure. maybe i wont get my undiscovered, mysterious kingdoms anytime soon or ever. maybe i wont get to dance with the dolphins and sing pretty songs with crabs hahaha, but i sure can be great wherever i am right now at whatever im doing.

Jesus found his very first disciples as fishermen. it says in Luke 5 that He found them washing their nets. they were faithfully washing their nets until He called them elsewhere. and now im reaping the fruits of their faithful work. yes, by a mere simple task of washing nets, they became part of something great.

so i guess ill be more patient with those irritating spectators who deem themselves as "coach." whatever theyre doing, theyre doing it faithfully, game after game, loss after loss, victory after victory and in the end, when the final buzzer sounds, they know they were part of something great.

so here i am, sitting in front of my computer, listening to the gentle pour of the rain outside, thinking of the people in my life, thinking of my feats and tragedies and smiling. by faithfully doing the mere task of living, of holding on, of giving faith a fighting chance, i know i have become a part of something great.

this might sound so cliche, but hey, you too can be part of something great :)

2008-04-22T14:28:00.002+08:00

it was all worth it. it was all worth it.

Forgiveness by Collective Soul
In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn't come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more

It used to be all I'd want to learn
Was wisdom trust and truth
But now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

As my seasons change I've now grown to know
When one's heart creates, one's soul doesn't owe
So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love's display

personal

2008-04-12T12:55:00.004+08:00

relationships ARE personal.

those were the words that hit me in an hour or so heated discussion that sprang up from a group letter that i composed. it was a letter apologizing for having to say goodbye - not out of pure desire but because the circumstances brought it to that point. and it ended with my finishing touch of 'please dont take this personally.'

i remember it so clearly. she was so quiet in the corner, while everyone was asking us what we meant by the word love, pleading us to think it over, arguing with us over our reasons...and then she just said it. "you know what?it IS personal. because relationships ARE personal. its SUPPOSED to be personal." and everything that was going on i could answer in my head, except that one. all i could do was nod in humility. she was right.

how can one not take it personally when something has to end? how can you not when your heart, mind, time and soul was invested to that one thing that supposedly has to end? how?

i was a hypocrite for writing those words. what was i trying to do? be objective? with what? with a relationship? what was this, a multiple choice exam?

and now im on her side. the situation has flipped and im on her side. im now the one quiet, sitting on the corners while everyone analyzes and prays over what happened...and in my corner, i softly say, in barely a whisper. it IS personal. more personal than you can ever think.

if it wasnt, i wouldnt be writing this entry. if it wasnt, i wouldnt have tears streaming down my cheeks grieving for my loss...relationships are personal because love, to be real, is personal. it is a face-to-face and sometimes in your face encounter. love can never be real, tested and true if it hasnt survived being personal.

Jesus washed the disciples feet. thats as close as you can get. but something struck me. the disciples had to let Him wash their feet. it was foolish for peter say stop doing that because Jesus knew that if He didnt do that, we wouldnt have a model for what serving, leading and loving really is.

i want to be the kind that washes feet. but even more so, id love to meet people who would let me wash their feet.

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
(Revelations 21:3-5)

easy lang.

2008-03-27T22:44:00.002+08:00

i wish it were that easy.

you know i just realized that in the conception of our perfect love stories we forget so many details. ya, ya. we think we got it all down. from the clothes we will be wearing when we bump into that special person to what they would be wearing to what the weather would be to what song would be playing in the background...ya we think we got it all down.

but we forget the other details. details that truly matter. like what kind of highschool did he or she go to and how did that shape them. how will that affect your circle of friends. details like what traumatic things did they go through and how will that affect your present with them. things like the plans they have for their lives and how that will affect yours...we forget those.

but they truly matter. because those details make the rest of your days with them. the details we thought of were just for a one time big time thing...but the details that we overlook are the ones that make up our days. theyre the ones that could make or break our hearts.

at the end of the day though, you have to see with the eyes of faith. and the eyes of faith do not say because this is good, God must have sent it. the eyes of faith say God sent this, then it must be good.

i know its good Lord. i know its the best.

its just that easy lang Lord.

move.

2008-03-25T21:29:00.002+08:00

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering - St. Augustine

its easy to have faith when youre inside church. its easy to sing songs to God, bang your head to the drumbeats and say i love you God with a smile when youre amidst people who are doing the exact same thing. but outside the four safe walls of the temple of God, thats where faith becomes real or becomes a mere emotional high.

when we are amidst people who complain too much, worry too much, pursue the world too much -- we become shaken. maybe we dont show it, maybe we dont even know it at times but we are shaken. perhaps we give a deep sigh, perhaps a question crosses our mind - a question that erases all the convictions and emotional high we just had from the weekend that passed, perhaps we choose to remain silent...whatever it is, we do become shaken.

and we pray. and praying is good. praying gets us through, sustains us...but what do we really pray for? we mutter words of i love you God, i trust you, i will wait for you...but then, what do our hearts really say? does it say, after i wait for you God and what im waiting for becomes real, everything will be better. after you show me your love is real God, i will feel better. after you show me how worthy you are of my trust God, we will be better. but does that ever really happen? do things really get better, even after all the prayers have been answered?

oftentimes, no.

because heres where we need to go deeper. God can make circumstances better, He can even change our hearts so we can be better, oh yes, no doubt He can do anything He wants to -- but the thing is, are we willing to go there? see, God can do that but He wants to consider what you want. free will. its such a complicated hard thing sometimes. we want things to get better or we want to feel better but what are we doing? do we actually want that so bad as to move?

i want things to be better. things are great, but i want them to be better. i want them to grow. but what am i doing to grow? what am i waiting for to hit me?

yes, God grants the desires of our hearts. but sometimes, He sits in silence and sees if you desire it so deep that youd actually move.

i dare you to move.

i dare me to move.

move.

solution

2008-03-18T20:21:00.002+08:00

it is not a human right to stand not fight when broken nations dream...- solution by hillsong united

i really dont feel good fighting and the broken nations still dream. i mean, does standing up really ever make a difference? does it ever really impact anyone?

rights v. grace -- something i need to remember

2008-03-11T18:45:00.001+08:00

The following exchange between Bono and Assayas took place just days after the Madrid train bombings in March 2004, an act of terrorism that left 191 dead and more than 1,800 wounded. The two men were discussing how terrorism is often carried out in the name of religion when Bono turned the conversation to Christianity, expressing his preference for God's grace over "karma," offering an articulate apologetic for the deity of Christ, and giving a clear presentation of the gospel message.

Bono: My understanding of the Scriptures has been made simple by the person of Christ. Christ teaches that God is love. What does that mean? What it means for me: a study of the life of Christ. Love here describes itself as a child born in straw poverty, the most vulnerable situation of all, without honor. I don't let my religious world get too complicated. I just kind of go: Well, I think I know what God is. God is love, and as much as I respond [sighs] in allowing myself to be transformed by that love and acting in that love, that's my religion. Where things get complicated for me, is when I try to live this love. Now that's not so easy.

Assayas: What about the God of the Old Testament? He wasn't so "peace and love"?

Bono: There's nothing hippie about my picture of Christ. The Gospels paint a picture of a very demanding, sometimes divisive love, but love it is. I accept the Old Testament as more of an action movie: blood, car chases, evacuations, a lot of special effects, seas dividing, mass murder, adultery. The children of God are running amok, wayward. Maybe that's why they're so relatable. But the way we would see it, those of us who are trying to figure out our Christian conundrum, is that the God of the Old Testament is like the journey from stern father to friend. When you're a child, you need clear directions and some strict rules. But with Christ, we have access in a one-to-one relationship, for, as in the Old Testament, it was more one of worship and awe, a vertical relationship. The New Testament, on the other hand, we look across at a Jesus who looks familiar, horizontal. The combination is what makes the Cross.

Assayas: Speaking of bloody action movies, we were talking about South and Central America last time. The Jesuit priests arrived there with the gospel in one hand and a rifle in the other.

Bono: I know, I know. Religion can be the enemy of God. It's often what happens when God, like Elvis, has left the building. [laughs] A list of instructions where there was once conviction; dogma where once people just did it; a congregation led by a man where once they were led by the Holy Spirit. Discipline replacing discipleship. Why are you chuckling?

Assayas: I was wondering if you said all of that to the Pope the day you met him.

Bono: Let's not get too hard on the Holy Roman Church here. The Church has its problems, but the older I get, the more comfort I find there. The physical experience of being in a crowd of largely humble people, heads bowed, murmuring prayers, stories told in stained-glass windows …

Assayas: So you won't be critical.

Bono: No, I can be critical, especially on the topic of contraception. But when I meet someone like Sister Benedicta and see her work with AIDS orphans in Addis Ababa, or Sister Ann doing the same in Malawi, or Father Jack Fenukan and his group Concern all over Africa, when I meet priests and nuns tending to the sick and the poor and giving up much easier lives to do so, I surrender a little easier.

Assayas: But you met the man himself. Was it a great experience?

Bono: … [W]e all knew why we were there. The Pontiff was about to make an important statement about the inhumanity and injustice of poor countries spending so much of their national income paying back old loans to rich countries. Serious business. He was fighting hard against his Parkinson's. It was clearly an act of will for him to be there. I was oddly moved … by his humility, and then by the incredible speech he made, even if it was in whispers. During the preamble, he seemed to be staring at me. I wondered. Was it the fact that I was wearing my blue fly-shades? So I took them off in case I was causing some offense. When I was introduced to him, he was still staring at them. He kept looking at them in my hand, so I offered them to him as a gift in return for the rosary he had just given me.

Assayas: Didn't he put them on?

Bono: Not only did he put them on, he smiled the wickedest grin you could ever imagine. He was a comedian. His sense of humor was completely intact. Flashbulbs popped, and I thought: "Wow! The Drop the Debt campaign will have the Pope in my glasses on the front page of every newspaper."

Assayas: I don't remember seeing that photograph anywhere, though.

Bono: Nor did we. It seems his courtiers did not have the same sense of humor. Fair enough. I guess they could see the T-shirts.

Later in the conversation:
Assayas: I think I am beginning to understand religion because I have started acting and thinking like a father. What do you make of that?

Bono: Yes, I think that's normal. It's a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma.

Assayas: I haven't heard you talk about that.

Bono: I really believe we've moved out of the realm of Karma into one of Grace.

Assayas: Well, that doesn't make it clearer for me.

Bono: You see, at the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It's clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I'm absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that "as you reap, so you will sow" stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff.

Assayas: I'd be interested to hear that.

Bono: That's between me and God. But I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep s---. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity.

Assayas: The Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. I wish I could believe in that.

Bono: But I love the idea of the Sacrificial Lamb. I love the idea that God says: Look, you cretins, there are certain results to the way we are, to selfishness, and there's a mortality as part of your very sinful nature, and, let's face it, you're not living a very good life, are you? There are consequences to actions. The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death. That's the point. It should keep us humbled… . It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of heaven.

Assayas: That's a great idea, no denying it. Such great hope is wonderful, even though it's close to lunacy, in my view. Christ has his rank among the world's great thinkers. But Son of God, isn't that farfetched?

Bono: No, it's not farfetched to me. Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: he was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says: No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: "I'm the Messiah." I'm saying: "I am God incarnate." And people say: No, no, please, just be a prophet. A prophet, we can take. You're a bit eccentric. We've had John the Baptist eating locusts and wild honey, we can handle that. But don't mention the "M" word! Because, you know, we're gonna have to crucify you. And he goes: No, no. I know you're expecting me to come back with an army, and set you free from these creeps, but actually I am the Messiah. At this point, everyone starts staring at their shoes, and says: Oh, my God, he's gonna keep saying this. So what you're left with is: either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase. I mean, we're talking nutcase on the level of Charles Manson. This man was like some of the people we've been talking about earlier. This man was strapping himself to a bomb, and had "King of the Jews" on his head, and, as they were putting him up on the Cross, was going: OK, martyrdom, here we go. Bring on the pain! I can take it. I'm not joking here. The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me, that's farfetched …

Bono later says it all comes down to how we regard Jesus:

Bono: … [I]f only we could be a bit more like Him, the world would be transformed. …When I look at the Cross of Christ, what I see up there is all my s--- and everybody else's. So I ask myself a question a lot of people have asked: Who is this man? And was He who He said He was, or was He just a religious nut? And there it is, and that's the question. And no one can talk you into it or out of it.

butterfly wings

2008-03-03T23:25:00.002+08:00

"what do you think it will be like?"
"heaven? butterflies. lots of it. did you know that each color on a butterfly, God painted with His fingers?" - the ultimate gift

not a lot of people view life as a gift. for most people, life is something that they need to "deal with" or "get over with." only a few people view it as something to be celebrated, to be cherished - every single moment of it whether good or band and to be lived with all your heart.

i guess this english professor put it best when he said "when people who have it all too easy say 'God is love,' it doesnt mean as much as when a person living below poverty line says it." life is lived by those who are desperate to have more of it. the poor, the helpless, the sick.

i dont know if one could really understand the gravity of life until youre on the brink of losing it. yes i know were all bound to die - but no one really understands this fact until you are confronted with it and you become aware of it, minute to minute, hour to hour.

you have two choices. be deeply overwhelmed by all of it or face it. its a choice you have to make every single day.

me? i choose to believe that heaven is filled with butterflies, stargazers, oceans and lots and lots of rainbows. and i choose to believe that God painted all their colors with His fingers.

even though most people wont get me when i suddenly break into a random act of sweetness - writing letters or cards or buying candies, even though most people probably think im insane when i burst out crying on movie scenes where people are sick...even though most people dont get why i become passionately frustrated when people pass up the chance to love, live and forgive.

yes, even though, despite all of that...i believe Gods arms were meant to embrace me and tell me, my child, everything is going to be alright.

not a lot of people view life as a gift. but it is. it really is.

bestfriends car, third party -- and God said DIVE :)

2008-02-24T17:47:00.000+08:00

huwaaatttt?

i know, i know. the title doesnt make sense. hahaha.

after a grueling hour and realizing i have to write this, i came up with a title that still didnt make sense. but then again, do leaps of faith ever make sense?

thats how i have been for this week anyway. i made no sense. and my life seemed to follow suit.

after a year of not seeing each other, my best friends for 12 years now (and counting ;)) were finally going to meet up. wee, brunch at greenhills promenade. i was super excited.

while walking in greenhills, rina (whom i havent really talked to for quite awhile) asked me, "so what are you into now? how are you?"

that was it. that was my chance to pour out my feelings about graduation, about the bad weather, about my thesis, about my fears for the future -- that was one of the things i have been looking forward to the whole morning. that was my chance to tell her who i have become for the past year that we didnt really get to talk.

but i came up blank.

well, a few things came to mind actually. but they were not the things i expected to come into my mind when asked that question.

"oh um, ive been branded the third party in relationships..."

"oh umm, well, theres been talk that im the leader that let one of her sheep go astray..."

"oh ummm, im kind of the person who doesnt really pray about the decisions i make, especially with relationships..."

whoa. i had all these things to say to her, but none of them were the first things on my mind when i actually had the chance to talk. i actually wanted to cry. on our first date for the year, upon seeing her after a really long time, the first thing i wanted to do was bawl like a baby.

it didnt make sense.

i thought, i really thought, i was over all those discouragements.

i thought, i really thought, i was invincible to those lies -- those rumors, those gossips, those issues.

i thought, i really thought, i was deep enough already with God.

you see i fasted and prayed for him last last year. i seeked God's will for my life. i asked God to tell me. and He did, last year.

i had 7 signs you see. and they were all fulfilled. i had desires in my heart, desires for my non-negotiables, and all of them, God marked with a check.

but no one really understood it. at least not from the crowd of people whom i thought would best understand it.

the greatest prayer that He answered for 2007 and i couldnt share it with anyone because no one understood.

it was a long battle of will with trust issues, with indifference, with leaps of faith, with fears, with love, with grace -- and i thought that when the year ended, it took with it all those bad things.

i was wrong.

last week, he -- my answered prayer, asked me, whats wrong. and to him i replied with a very nonchalant nothing is wrong, why do you say that. and he simply said, youre just not the same.

so yesterday, when my best friend asked me who i was, i couldnt answer her...not because i didnt want to -- oh i so badly wanted to, she was my best friend after all -- but because i didnt know what i was going to say. and thats when it hit me.

it did hurt badly. it does still hurt.

i didnt know what to say when asked who i have become because the beatings for the past year -- the words, the whispers, the talk -- the repetitiveness, the constancy, the gravity of it all brought me to my knees in surrender. not in humility. oh no, far from it i must confess. but in surrender to all the labels. i have come to believe that i am the third party, the failure as a leader, and the girl who didnt lead a Christ-centered life.

but God...while i was sitting shivering in the cold worship hall listening to kuya ryan talk about the difference of shallow lives and a deep relationship with God, enveloped me in his warm embrace. a jacket wrapped around me to tell me, hey, im still here. lets talk Lianne.

as the lights dimmed to show my first disciple onstage sing a solo for her Maker, God whispered, dive deeper with and into Me, and i will show you, thats not who i think you are. i felt a pang in my heart, but i remained unmoved.

and God, the good God that He is, didnt give up. he -- my non-negotiable and 7 signs fulfilled said -- i know its been hard, im sorry for how its been for you, but why dont we start again by worshipping Him even when it hurts.

even when it hurts.

dive, you say God? okay. here goes.

taking a deep breath, i took the plunge. and dove.

i walked to the front with him, past all the people who stared, past all the people who talked, past all the people who whispered and dove.

and it was great.

as i sang along the drumbeat and to the words, You say you want all of me, i wouldnt have it any other way, and my heart ached gladly, the camera made a sweeping gesture at the audience that was forming in front of the stage and i caught a glimpse of that girl, that little sweet girl who went into all this trouble just to talk to me after i gave my testimony last year to tell me she was going through the same thing that i did -- eyes closed, singing her heart out. i love you angie. and i praise, praise God for you.

i get it now Lord.

DIVE.

philip yancey, in the book the jesus i never knew, wrote that Jesus had different rings of people surrounding Him during the height of His popularity but of all these circles -- the masses, the curious -- it was the group of the sincere seekers that He addressed the most, the group of people who lingered near Him but were not really willing to get close.

"He constantly pushes them toward a DEEPER level of commitment, with words that would bring anyone up short. you cannot serve two masters, he says. forsake the love of money and the pleasures the world has to offer. deny yourself. serve others. take up your cross. the last phrase is no idle metaphor: along the roads of Palestine, Romans regularly nail up the worst criminals as an object lesson to the Jews. what kind of image could these words of 'invitation' summon up in his followers' minds? is he to lead a procession of martyrs? apparently so. Jesus repeats one saying more than any other. 'whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.'"

in my pursuit of doing what was right by law, i missed the whole point, the TRUTH, which is simply that He loves me and He died for me. for me, the person who wasnt willing to carry her cross anymore any deeper.

and that i am here to serve Him, and only Him. not anyone else.

i dont want to be just a sincere seeker anymore. i refuse to. i want to stop being that and go back to being His follower.

i want to hold onto my cross and dive.

pastor peter awhile ago said, the world will tell you what is wrong with you - youre angry, youre bitter, youre too fat, youre too skinny, your career is shabby - but will not be able to really tell you how to really eliminate it. no one can give you that power.

ya, the world told me what they thought was wrong with me last year.

it hammered into me all my shortcomings and pointed out all the nitty gritty details in my life - some that were blown out of proportions - and why i should just give up.

but yesterday God proved to be the best thing that ever happened to me again when He said, thats not how i see you. and even if thats who you are, I LOVE YOU.

i love you too God.

and i thank you for the people you have sent and will keep sending to encourage me that i am loved.

and ill dive deeper and deeper with and into You, even when it hurts:)

keep breathing

2008-02-06T17:03:00.000+08:00

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.
--Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson--
(my new favorite artist, brilliant :) )

keep breathing, lianne. the sky is not falling. it may seem like it but it is not.

this is it. 2007.

2007-12-17T12:58:00.000+08:00

"i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith" (2 timothy 4:7)

"if you let me off the hook i just might get this notion that its okay to keep running" - dawsons creek

"im staring out into the night,trying to hide the pain.im going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing.and the pain you feel is a different kind of pain.im going home, back to the place where i belong, and where your love has always been enough for me" - home sung by chris daughtry

2007 is ending in a few days. and reunions are about to start. family dinners. christmas parties. shopping expeditions with moms. cooking for feasts. gift wrapping nights. get togethers. and before all of those things start piling up on me, ive decided that the first thing i will do today as soon as i get home is to write my year-ender entry.

i have lost a lot of things and (especially) people for the past years. and i thought come 2007, this is it. this is it, im going to get it all back. or, even better, im going to find new ones. not better, but just new. i thought to myself, enough chasing, enough wanting, enough looking back. enough. 2007 is going to be our year, Lord. this is it.

2007 didnt become our year. it became totally His. and i wouldnt have had it any other way.

i spent the entire year moving on -- whatever that really means -- ignoring everything painful that happened. okay something awful happens, cry here and there then lets move on. oh, someone left, alright sob a few more tears okay thats it regain composure, dont want to deal with that anymore. i mean the whole year i kept trying to just find something, anything that would make me feel peaceful.

but november came and a few days after my birthday i cried buckets and buckets of tears because i felt so frustrated with my whole year. i felt like i didnt move one bit. i felt like i was still at square one. in fact, i felt i got a ticket for jail with no bail and no passing GO...i looked back at 2007 and felt helpless. i just saw all the people who left that never came back -- all the days when id try to reach out and text and get a cold reply or a sarcastic remark. i just saw all the people who talked and judged -- all those days when id walk with my head down and my breaths calculated out of anxiety. i just saw all my failures -- all the times that i got disappointed with resolving issues and confronting problems.

then...i dont know. i mean as i was going home today from manila, one of my very good girl friends from high school messaged me and told me shes in town for the holidays. and it hit me. everything, the whole 2007 just came zooming past my mind. i felt as if God was saying, really, youre frustrated with this year?

no, Lord im not.

2007 was about coming home. that whole this is it thing i was talking about? it was no conquest, it was no discovery or epiphany or realization, it was no big gigantic earth shattering change -- it was about coming home.

this year was His year. everything that happened - He was reminding me of something really, really wonderful, something ive long forgotten. if you want to love, you have to be loved.

ive already forgotten about that, you see. i mean sure, give gifts, donations, time for other people, sure i can do that. but to be loved? to sit still and just smile and be content and let other people love me? i forgot all about that. whenever things got bad, i have made a habit out of running. escaping. pretending. doing anything but staying. and yes no matter how much love is about letting go, sometimes its also about staying. and never leaving again.

one of my childhood bestfriends (cmownst theres only 3 of them ive known them since 4th,5th and 6th grade - in chronological order hahaha), my bbf as i call her, told me shes been on great adventures the past year but every trip she ever went on only led her back to where she started. i have to smile at the recollection of our conversation (that happened after we havent spoken in like months i tell you) cause its so true.

we all have these dreams, all these big stack of goals and ambitions and wishlists...but after each dream is realized, after each goal and ambition is achieved, after each wish is granted, we feel we have to make a brand new one so we can run. run from where? run from what? from home. cause were afraid that if we go home, we will never ever want to leave. then we wont have anything to live for anymore. well just stay...at home.

i did that a lot this year and now i finally get why God has been answering my prayers left and right so fast. He was telling me, if I answer this, if I answer that, will you be content? will you be okay now? will you feel peaceful now? what is it that you really want child? what is it youre really looking for, lianne?

im looking for a reason to stop running, Lord. and i found it. You :)

home. im coming home. and im finding that though the people i have always loved have changed externally, they are still the very same souls i once talked with, laughed with, cried with, fought with and loved. and im finding that i still do love them. very much. and that i never really removed them from my heart. i just got too scared to miss them because some of the people i knew with them can no longer be found. but now im seeing that no matter how far and how long, true friends will always be real friends. now i know its okay. now i know its okay to miss them. to love them. and to want them to stay. and to want to stay for them.

and the people im with now, the people ive been "protecting" myself from the whole year through - the people who keep texting, the people who keep opening up themselves to me, the people who keep loving me, trying to reach out - theyre a part of my home now too. all the while that i was building up my wall, they kept tearing it down. and it worked. love indeed never fails. the whole time i was trying to protect myself from getting hurt, they were protecting me from all the hurt. God was using them to comfort me and encourage me through my most trying times this year. and i surrender to the fight. no more fighting love. i can no longer deny the people who have been my biggest blessings this year. i can no longer deny that i already let them in. where it truly matters. where im all vulnerable and real. no more hiding. no more pretending. i now know i have people that i belong to.

im home, Lord. and i finally found that peace i was looking for. i didnt really have to go searching for it. it found me. You found me, Lord with all these wonderful surprises and miracles this year. and You got me through. peace. im home, Lord. and its this awesome peaceful feeling - not that nothing bad is ever going to happen or everything is dandy dandy fine but true peace that i finally understand - the feeling that says, no matter what, it's going to be okay. *happy sigh*

im home, Lord. and im finding that i dont have to leave to live. home is in my heart connected to Yours. now i can want things and dream things and hope for things because now i know that if i ever get scared or lose my way somehow, i wont be alone. heck, that gives me all the reason to keep piling up that list of things i want to pray for. hahaha.

im home, Lord. thank you for calling me home into Your arms, where all these people are. thank you for reminding me that some things really dont change. and some things are really meant to stay. and that i should stay.

so merry, merry, merry Christmas to all of you filled with love :) and a happy, blessed, good 2008 filled with peace. heres a happy dance for home :)

thank you Lord - 1177.

my best friend's wedding

2007-12-02T21:47:00.000+08:00

you know how in the movies you always have that scene? that scene where...well, before that scene, theres a guy and a girl. girl loves guy. girl is in love with guy. guy says hes in love with girl too. but guy is looking for other things. this awareness breaks girls heart. guy says its okay but girl knows its not. girl knows its breaking his heart not to be where he wants to be but loves her too much to say it. so girl does the most loving thing she can actually do. girl lets him go so that guy can actually be where he has been wanting to be. and then theres that scene. that scene.

that scene where the guy looks at all the people looking at him, looks around at the place where he is -- and he realizes everything is different now. and that it took him this journey to realize that. he mumbles this great speech about how he has been wanting to be there for so long only to realize that thats not what he wants anymore. that he has moved on. and he actually gets the courage to walk out of there to find her. her. and he does. he finds her. all over again, he finds her.

but...thats how it goes in most movies. in real life, its more of like the best friends wedding where julia roberts has to be content in knowing that her best friend is happy and to remind herself that its what really, truly matters. in real life, the guy actually stays in that place with all those people and he just ends up thanking her at the end of the day for the wonderful thing she did.

and in the end, the girl must be content with a thank you.

Lord, mold my heart to be content and completely satisfied with a thank you.

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isnt easier than the real thing
My love
You know that youre my best friend
You know Id do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am i...
At the crossroads I am standing
So now youre sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That youll be strong tomorrow and well
See another day
And we will praise God for it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
Oh God wont you hear me
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Wont you take him when he comes to your door
And bring him back

harhar

2007-11-13T20:22:00.000+08:00

dont make moving on seem so easy. like something bad happens and you just stand up and move on. its not as easy that. thats called pretending. or maybe youre just really apathetic. either way, it really isnt called moving on.

7:)

2007-11-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday, happy birthdaaayyy...happy birthday to me :)

"i praise God every time i think of you" philippians 1:3

this is just a post to thank everyone who remembered my birthday and greeted me as well. THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who e-mailed, texted and messaged me. it really means SO much, you will never know how much. thank you to people who greeted me even a day before my birthday (ember i love you hahaha), thank you to people from overseas (star!), thank you thank you to people from out of town even (mando!), thank you to friends both old and new -- grabe, ang dami-dami but all of your greetings meant so much. my grade school friends, my high school friends, my college friends, friends from UP who have graduated,my alapaap girls, my bible study girls, my dgroups, UP team, dgroup ministry, chronicle ministry, gb ministry...thank you so much. ive been really discouraged, down and out lately -- feeling hurt, feeling scared, feeling lonely, feeling unable -- but God has sustained me with His love. this week, God did far more than sustain me, He overwhelmed me with His love through ALL OF YOU :) so thank you. thank you. thank you. God bless all of your hearts :)

i want to just thank the people who really went out of their way to give me a birthday that i will really remember, today (a post birthday treat)-- because it was actually GOOD :)

[in alphabetical order]

andre - my turn. hahaha. THANK YOU. thank you for telling my mom about my wish. thank you for getting everyone to sign the little green notebook. thank you for all your gifts and for the birthday card. thank you for the churros (yum!) i really appreciate it because i know you still have to do a lot for enrollment and for ministry work for Sunday and yet you still found time to do that. and i thank you for finding it in your heart to bless me, even if i know you feel discouraged right now. this might be an uphill part of your journey with Him, but i want to assure you, He has your hand and if you feel you cant climb anymore, He will push you on. i praise God for you. always remember that i know, beyond the jokes, the hirits and the tough exterior is a heart that beats for God and longs to please Him, and only Him. you are where you are because He wanted you to be. whatever people say, that doesnt change. His plans for you are STILL good. hold on. and i want you to know, im staying.

D12 (LOWER LINE):
bing - a - ling: my granddaughter who has buhay baboy like me hahaha. kidding aside, thank you for greeting me, for meeting with me and listening to me. thank you because i know it wasnt easy for you to hear what i said but you listened. thank you for letting me be a part of your life, thank you for still one of the best conversations of my life.

donna: it still leaves me in awe everytime i think of how God brought you to my life. thank you for praying for me and for allowing me to approach you. thank you for baring your heart to me and trusting me. thank you because you never judge me, i never feel that you judge but you always just seem to really listen. and i appreciate that. thank you so much. go green :)

dorothy/dottie: my dearest daughter. i love you so much. we really have been through so much. IN JUST A YEAR. hahaha. thank you for thinking of the surprise box, thank you for knowing how much i love green, thank you for the cake (its so cute btw really, my whole family said awww when they opened it haha), thank you for the earrings - putting your time and heart into them, thats just SO YOU. thank you dj, youre one of the sweetest presents and blessings in my life. i miss you when i dont hear from you in a day and wow, dj, i just want you to know, i never want to let you go :)

junnel: my tough girl junnel, thank you. your hardwork has really inspired me in more ways than one. and i really praise God for your heart to serve and serve well at that. thank you for the bright green bag, its really so cute. ill think of you everytime i use it. i am amazed at how far God has brought you in your life and i know, He will do so much more in it. thank you for blessing me with your stories every week and with your insights. thank you for being who you are.

sammie: sweet, sophisticated sammie. my fellow journalist. thank you girl for always giving a smile when i need it. thank you for always assuring me of your love. thank you so much for your gift and for always being SO, SO willing to help out. thank you for letting me see how God has the ability to mold a person to be better in such a short span of time. i really hope to get to know you more in the coming days :)

D12 (UPPER):
bea: bei, thanks for always being there. thanks for always making me feel you have my back and that you are protective of me, of my welfare, of my heart. thank you for always having a willing ear to listen and a willing heart to share, no matter what the circumstances. youre like the older sister i never had. and i just feel so special when im with you. i praise God for your heart to encourage -- thanks for texting me out of nowhere in the middle of the week, it means so much.
jackie: beautiful jack, thank you so much for always cracking me up with your jokes. youre so hilarious - tamang hirit sa saktong panahon hahaha. thank you jackie, cause youre a testimony of how beautiful God's creation is. youre a beautiful person inside and out and i really appreciate how you always tell me thank you, no matter what i do, even if its just opening the door for you. you never take anything for granted. thank you for being the woman that you are. i miss you already.

paula: thank you for the perfume, i lahhvvv it. hahaha. and the friendship band with the bookmark. thank you for the card. oh my gosh, it made me teary eyed hahaha. thank you so much, and do not worry because you have inspired me more than once. youre a living proof that God is in the business of transforming people - and i really stand in amazement before Him when i think of all the things He has brought you through. i love you paula, and i really do hope we can make more wonderful memories :)

tins: save the best for last. hahaha. thank you for buying me the cupcake with the candle, and for saying that beautiful speech. words fail me tins. thank you so much for being a wonderful, wonderful discipler. thank you for always being there. i just..im just speechless. all i can say is that i really love you and im so, SO grateful for your presence in my life. thank you for never giving up on me and not letting me go. thank you for today.

DGROUP (LOWER):
joanna: last week lang kita nakilala pero love na kita hahaha. ang bilis natin naging close :) thank you for being there today :)

trina: we missed you today, thank you for your long greeting and for remembering :)

shiela: youre such a blessing, sweet sweet girl :) we missed you today too, next week ha :)

DGROUP (UPPER):
dindin/ frances: thank you for the green heart necklace! it was on my wishlist hahaha. God told you that no? hahaha. i love you girl. i love your eyes hahaha. but i love most your heart. your courage. to take care of your family like that -- wow. youre an evidence of God's strength. i love you and i hope to get to know you more and serve Him more with you. i hope every sat makikita na kita :)

kris ann: thank you for the pop-up card, and the green ring with hearts -- thats just SO me hahaha, i love it!!! thank you for the loofah from your banyo hahaha. oh my gosh, so many memories kris. thank you, thank you, thank you for welcoming me in your group. i still remember the day i met you -- you were wearing your uniform!hahaha,kala ko sobrang formal ka. hay, thank you so much for everything. for being so sweet, for being so artsy, for just being such a good sport, for being my sister. through ups and downs.

mia: it took us forever to break down our trust walls, but once we did, sigh, i really praise God. mia thank you sa lahat ng memories. grabe, pag kasama kita parang lagi akong kinakabag sa kakatawa. iba ka talaga. at pareho tayo ng wavelength sa hirits. and i appreciate that. it broke down my walls, it opened my heart. it still continues to. thank you for being there for me last, last saturday to listen and thank you for giving me the chance to listen to you. i love you so much, perfect attendance girl. you inspire me -- ive seen how God moved in your life and youre still growing. always remember, youre in my prayers :) thank you thank you for being the person who initiated the birthday card thing -- on my birthday last year! and wow, for always making me feel loved. THANK YOU. ill use your magic dust later hahaha.

nikki, patch, cristina, rheg, pau, peachy, gilda, trish -- you girls have been such a HUGE, ENORMOUS part of my growth. thank you for giving me something to look forward to EVERY saturday, EVERY week...for the last two years now :) saturdays have never been the same ever since. ang dami ng umalis at bumalik at minsan bumabalik at sumusulpot, pero kayo nandiyan pa rin. thank you for being there. we might not constantly be in touch but i KNOW you are there so THANK YOU. i miss you girls.

nen: mare, mare, mare. salamat sa pagtext sa lahat ng tao para igreet ako. maraming, maraming, maraming salamat talaga. grabe, pati sa gifts galore mo! nalula ako. go for gold mare! youre right. this is just the beginning of a beautiful, blessed friendship. i thank God for you mare. thank you for being there all the time, from the smallest things to the biggest things. you rock mare, thank you. i love you.

kuya ryan: thank you for being such an encouragement -- from the first days in jzone till now. we might not always have the time to talk, but your presence is always felt. so thank you for texting me before, during and after my day, despite your busy schedule just to let me know you dont forget hahaha. thank you kuya ryan for being a godly leader :)

to everyone who wrote on the notebook, and the cards -- thank you :) i was blessed...and yes, SURPRISED. hahaha.

to everyone who remembered even if they didnt really want to, hahaha, thank you as well. your presence in the story of my life im sure has a purpose and whatever it is, whether i know it already or have yet to discover, i already thank God for it. so thank you :)

I LOVE YOU ALL :)

seven is a good number :)

2007-11-05T18:40:00.000+08:00

your relationship with God inspires me to have a deeper relationship with Him and get to know Him more. you're one of the rare people with depth and soul, and a brave one at that. you make me believe in the notion of old friends. no matter how long we haven't talked or seen each other, i feel like you still know me and understand me.

You know what I like about you? You take delight in everything. And you just share away. A beautiful experience, a fearful situation, a difficult burden...you just share them away. And I love hearing them. You are a heart person (it doesn't mean you don't use your head) who is not afraid to give others a significant piece of you. You open your life to others, and you don't seem to care whether they respond or not. You know what's worth hearing, what's worth knowing about. But you know, there's nothing contrived about it. =) You're just so genuine. You're real. =) You don't escape, you face. To me you are so much braver than those who say they don't rely on feelings, because emotions are fickle, tricky, or inferior to reason. To me to feel is a reason enough to share. That's what you do. And you know, people like me, benefit from that. =)

its not yet my birthday but...praise God for using me to be this person in these people's lives. praise God for these dedications. praise God for everything. all of it. not about me but for Him...been discouraged lately with gossip, issues and judgmental stuff, with people who dont understand... but He has been so faithful to tell me that He loves me through people who love me and stay. what i gave up as a messed up kid with a worn out heart, He continues to transform everyday. thank you so much God. YOU are the best reason to celebrate. :)

semBREAK daw

2007-10-30T23:03:00.000+08:00

sembreak blues. i hate breaks. hate vacations now. lets go work, work, work. lets go, lianne. its just you and me.

i told her im sorry

2007-10-30T13:37:00.000+08:00

always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much - oscar wilde

sincere forgiveness isnt colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. dont worry whether or not they finally understand you. love them and release them. life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time - sara paddison

people find it far easier to forgive people for being wrong than for being right - jk rowling

im finding myself being transformed. im finding that im loving more. and im finding that im loving not on my own strength at all. i used to think i was a loving person but lately ive come to realize i cannot love at all. not without God.

im finding that i dont have to understand everything to love. im finding that i dont have to know all the details to be able to love more. on the contrary, loving is not knowing anything at all and understanding nothing and yet still being there, still staying.

its the same with forgiveness. as george bernard shaw said, the secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing.

and i think thats true. i have so many questions in my head about things that happened and yet i find no fire or will in me to even ask. i feel like the more i know, the more ill be plagued with insecurities, the wounds will open more and the hurt will run deeper. i really can forgive when i dont understand or know anything.

im finding that love really heals, too. and that its not always so soothing or refreshing. it can be painful too. the picture that comes to mind is one from greys anatomy. where mcdreamy was saying to meredith lets close it up and meredith insisted on going deeper. he stared at her and said, youre only an intern, trust me, there is nothing down there. and she says lets go deeper, we have to find out whats really wrong. have faith, she said.

have faith. go deeper. find whats really wrong. thats scary. but ya. have faith. it sure is scary to go deeper into our hearts, to probe into the past events, to face our deepest hurts. but if we dont, how can we ever really heal? how can we ever really recover? in the end meredith found what was wrong. in the nick of time, yes, but she did. and it saved the patients life. all along everyone thought he was okay, but when they went deeper, when they searched without giving up, they realized he wasnt. and it meant the world. it meant his life.

ive been learning how to heal since last year. and right now, im learning how to let others heal. mahirap pala. lalo na pag mahal mo yung tao, pag gusto mong tumulong pero wala kang magawa, pag gusto mo sayo niya makikita yung sagot, pero wala sayo.... pag gusto mo, pag hinihiling mo sa Diyos na sana ikaw nalang yung magsarado ng mga pinto sa buhay niya, pero hindi puede. hindi ka pinayagan. pinagdasal mo sana ikaw nalang ang makapagbigay ng mga katagang 'pinapatawad kita' para matahimik ang puso niya pero hindi ikaw ang hinahanap niyang magsabi ng mga katagang iyon. hindi galing sayo. hindi ikaw.

its so much harder to watch that than to find healing on your own. because letting someone you love heal on their own strips you from all innate human pride that you helped that someone, that you made a difference in that someone's life, that you did something. letting someone you love close the doors of their past on their own pushes you back against the wall and tells you, back off, this is not your fight. you can do nothing because you understand nothing and you know nothing. nothing.

at the end of the day though, thats when you find out if you really love the person. because even if you are in the agonizing state of powerlessness and helplessness and worthlessness, you let go. you let go because you want, sincerely, deep in your heart, for that person to heal. you want that person to really be better. you want that person to be truly happy. you let go.

and with your back pushed against the wall, love happens. because there, as you fight all pride and hurt, you find yourself staring into God's eyes. and there you find that He understands your pain. there you see how He had to watch as His very own son was mocked, beaten up and crucified. your eyes drown in tears as you see something more. something more than understanding. you see love. you see Him allowing that event to take place because He loved you. that much. He wanted you to heal. He wanted you to be better. He wanted you to be truly happy.

and with my back pushed against the wall, love happened. i stopped struggling with pride. i stopped fighting. i stopped wrestling. i stopped trying to fix things. and i let love happen. i let His love, the only perfect love, to help that person i love just like He has helped me. because i want that person to heal. i want that person to be better. i want that person to be truly happy. i heard Him say, leave it up to me. this is not your fight. it shouldnt be.

Lord, im sorry.

im finding myself being transformed. and im finding that its not so easy. no real change can ever take place without a cost. but im finding that the higher the cost, the greater the rewards, the greater the lesson, the greater the love.

sometimes, we really have to bleed to know whats real and to know what really matters.

in fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness (hebrews 9:22)

maybe we can have dream someday :)

2007-10-18T14:42:00.000+08:00

"dreams are always crushing when they dont come true, but its the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, and so attainable. you're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." - nicholas sparks

i think every girl dreams of her prince charming. her knight in shining armor. such a cliche line but its true.weve all dreamt of that one person who can just make the world perfect and at the same time, be perfect.

but as we grow older, we realize no one is perfect. and that the world has imperfections that can never really go away for good,no matter how hard you try to make them to.

and we meet people that we see as perfect. but then they leave, they crush our hearts and shatter the worlds that we so fought for to protect. we wake up one day and we realize we dont know where we had ended up in or how we got there. we just know that everything is already somehow... different.

and yet there are still those dreams. those little dreams that we hold onto. the simple things that we love doing that give us joy. like dinners. you know, basking in the cool, night air. watching people unwinding as the day ends, laughing with their friends, enjoying a book alone, or smiling at an email from an old friend from their laptop. then theres the food. sizzling hot and served with a smile. and those iced drinks served on those pretty, tall glasses.dinners are like those little dreams that you just cant shake off because they feel like home...theyre the little fragments from the world you used to belong to. you want to hold it, grab it, cherish it, just to feel that you still know something. that the old you,the real you is still somewhere there buried under all of those stuff you dont recognize.you want to give up those dreams but not without getting anything in return.like answers.solutions.a glimpse of the world you fought so hard to protect. those little joys are all you have and to give them away?its like death.

but then theres love. and love...makes everything clear. you begin to realize that the people who left you, crushed your heart and shatter your world wasnt all that bad because it was you who made them seem perfect.and when they werent perfect, you felt they failed, not you. it could never be your fault. but love clears away the bluriness of our vision and we see beyond our pride...that imperfections dont mean that it has to end or that there is no hope. it just means you gotta love harder. you gotta look deeper. beyond.

and those little dreams? they linger.somewhere. someplace. you cant reach them but theyre there.theyre meant to be there to remind you whats most important at the end of the day. and its not the prince charming dream.or the knight in shining armor. or not even the world you love being protected. but you, the princess, getting saved.

its not who broke your heart first, but the one who restores it. its not the one who made you lose your faith in love, but the one who made you love again. and its not the one who made your soul die, but the one who gave it back its will to live. because you can live again. and you can love again. and you can trust again. who says you cannot love again? as vincent van gogh said, "if a voice inside you says you cant paint then by all means, paint and that voice will be silenced." so if a voice inside you says you cant trust or love again, then by all means love and trust again, and that voice will be silenced. love...it makes everything clear. painful sometimes, but clear :)
so heres to dinners. and little joys. and whatnot. heres to dreams. maybe we can have them someday :)

and heres one again for love. because a wise, good person once said, love gives everything and it doesnt take away anything. and giving everything has always been worth it. and because really, the dream that matters most is the one where we love... and we are loved back.

011707.thanks :)

my cross.777.

2007-10-07T20:51:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEEEARRR! screamed my lungs out and jumped up and down, waving my arms and hugged my brother and smiled widely. 2007. seven. i knew it. i just knew it. God's year. God's year in my life. i love seven. somewhere deep inside of me, i just knew, this is God's year in my life. i pictured meeting new friends, restoring the broken ones, strengthening the existing ones, a happy-go-lucky semester, unos, graduation, prayers big and small getting answered left and right, finally being able to express myself...

there's 79 days to go before 2007 ends. and 2007 has been anything but all those things :)

i am the sinful woman with the alabaster jar. and this is the story of my cross.

this is it, im so excited for this year. i stepped a bit closer to the door of the house where he was. drew in my breath with excitement. ill probably get new friends.

"then he took them with him and they withdrew by themselves..." (luke 9:10) my dear woman, come now and rest. tell Me about your victories and failures. the journey is long and in order to grow in grace, you must spend a great deal of your time in quiet solitude. it is in the desert that the dew is the freshest and the air is most pure. the bread of life is here with Me, my dear woman. come now and rest with Me.

but...how can i share my life with you in it? how can i experience new things? but okay Teacher, i just want to be near you. i know your wisdom far outweighs mine. no new friends. got it.

i stepped a bit closer to where he was, surrounded by the pharisees who invited Him for dinner. an anticipatng shiver ran down my spine. aha, restored broken relationships. this is what this year is all about.

"some time later, the brook dried up." (1 kings 17:7) oh dear heart, the education of faith is incomplete if you have yet to learn that My providence works through loss, that there is a ministry to you through failure and the fading of things, and that I even give you the gift of emptiness so you can thirst for Me.

i began to weep. im sorry Master, i wet your feet with my tears. i just feel so sad--i miss them. i miss the people who were such a big part of my life. i miss them so much. must they really be lost? must they really close their doors on me as i try to reach out? must they turn away everytime the beauty of the past comes up? must they be pried away from my very hands? must i really say goodbye? yes. dear servant, all i want for you right now is to heal from those broken relationships. that is what i want for you first.

as i try to dry His feet and keep a brave front. hold it in, lady. hold the tears in. stop weeping. you have existing friendships to strengthen. that i still have. and oh, happy-go-lucky days for this semester.

"in Him, you have been enriched in every way." (1 corinthians 1:5) be glad of rain my child, too much sun would wither one flower. do not worry it will shine again. are you weary, my dear child? be glad of pain because in your sorrow, your sweetest virtues will grow. I am watching you always, and you will have the sun soon but for now, let the clouds do their work. for now, let Me do my work in you. i want you to depend completely on Me first.

my Father, what is this? what is all of this gossips and murmurs around me? all these people staring at me and my every action? why do they judge me? why do they compare me to other people? my Father, i thought theyre my friends. my Father, defend me. Father, defend me. arent they supposed to be my sisters and brothers? why is this happening? i cant stand still. i want to tell them how much theyre hurting me. dont they know theyre hurting me? my walls are breaking down. i feel so vulnerable. and wont you let Me break down those walls? I made you. I love you. And you are My daughter. I have never left you. defend you from what dear? the battle has already been won. the victory is already Mine. I love you. I love you so much. I am allowing this not so i could hurt you. I am allowing this because I am painting a bigger picture and I want you to be a part of it. I am allowing this because I want to teach you and I want to love you more. Youre so special to me. a few happy days cannot compare for the eternity I have prepared for you with Me in my kingdom. will you wait on Me? Father, yes. Father, yes. i will wait for you.

i love you Father. i gladly kiss Your feet. theyve travelled roads of persecution, of sufferings, of sorrow, of miracles that i might not even get a glimpse of. but Father, i am just privileged to be with You right now. i love you so much Father. im just so grateful for the achievements and for the people youve given me closest to my heart Father, for one of the biggest blessings of my year this year, my answered prayer.

"if anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (luke 9:22-24) my precious princess, I know best what cross you need to bear. i do not want you be like fragile vases of glass or porcelain. i want you to be like those toughened pieces of steel, able to endure twisting and crushing pressure to the utmost without collapse. i do not want you to be like greenhouse palnts, which are sheltered from rough weather, but like storm-beaten oaks, not like sand dunes that are driven back and forth by every gust of wind but like granite mountains that withstand the fiercest of the fiercest storm. but in order for me to do that, i must take you into My room of suffering. but it is not just that. it also a room of faith and of My everlasting love. do you want to sail peaceful waters without me? cause I'd rather that you sail turbulent seas WITH Me. beside Me.

my Lord, my Savior, my God. i pour my whole heart, soul, mind and life at Your feet right now. i hear You. ive been hearing You the whole year but i just refuse to turn Your way. but You never give up on me. You dont give up do You? cause i see me dying everyday and its the most fulfilling thing ive ever experienced. i feel most alive when you work your way in my messy, stubborn, prideful soul. i praise You for never leaving me. i praise You, even though my heart is bleeding. my mind has been tossing and turning at night with worry for my achievements and my failures. my soul is in anguish scrambling to keep him, my answered prayer. but i forget Lord, that all of those things i hold close in my life are Yours. i have no hold over them. i praise You because i know i really wont have it any other way but Yours Father.

"in me...peace" (john 16:33)

how lovely is your dwelling place, my Lord Almighty. and there is no other kind of peace in the world(and ive been around quite a lot) that could compare to yours. and to quote she that left, better is one day in pain where you want me to be than a thousand days elsewhere. kayo na po ang bahala, Lord. i see that youre moving in his life--and that he is growing so much, burning with an overwhelming desire to serve You. he is growing, he is experiencing life finally, not being scared, worrying less...thank You for answering my prayers.
sometimes i ask why can he go out to enjoy, and i cannot? how come i cant be there where he is? trust Me. trust Me. trust Me. i do trust you Lord. now more than ever. i want to do this right this time Father. i want to wait and let You have Your way, than insist Mine and jeopardize everything. i cannot lose this one. it hurts Father, not to have what you want when you want it, but it is also foolish. it is excruciating when you commit and it is tested. but i know that it is only through waiting that the commitment becomes real. and that true love is shown. i trust Your timing with everything Father. and i am at peace knowing it is You who holds those things and people in my life. i will stay at Your feet Lord. and i will keep following You. i love you Lord. thank You for 2007. thank You because it is not at all how i pictured it to be, but it is even better. it is actually the best -- because it really turned out to be Your year Lord. it is Your year. let Your will be done. thank you for reminding me everyday of my prayer for this year. "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me: yet not my will, but yours be done." (luke 22:42)

"do you see this woman? I came into your house. you did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. you did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. you did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. but he who has been forgiven little loves little." then Jesus said to her, "your sins are forgiven." the other guests began to say among themselves, "who is this who even forgives sins?" Jesus said to the woman, "your faith has saved you; go in peace."(luke 7:44-50)

lianne, I forgive you. and I love you.

ALABASTER BOX by Cece Winans [lyrics]
VERSE 1
The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind
Still on she came, through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last she knelt before His feet
And though she spoke no words
Everything she said was heard,
As she poured her love for the Master
From her box of Alabaster
CHORUS
And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box.Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair.You weren't there the night He found me.You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped His love all around me.And you don't know the cost of the oil in my Alabaster Box.
VERSE 2
I can't forget the way life used to be
I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
I spent my days pouring my life without measure
Into a little treasure box I thought I found
Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch
So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of
I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much

my prayer to you,Dad

2007-09-23T17:49:00.000+08:00

Imagine me
Loving what I see
when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me in a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told meLord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me. I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can... Imagine me
Being strong and not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance'
Cause I don't have to read that page again
-imagine me by kirk franklin-

keep breathing

2007-09-19T16:10:00.000+08:00

Lucas: Is this beach taken?
Brooke: There's plenty to go for everyone
Lucas: Don't worry. I'm not going to ask if you're okay.
Brooke: Good.
Lucas: Want a joke?
Brooke: You're looking at one...Why does everyone lie? The bad guys lie to get to your bed. The good guys lie to get to your heart.And I'm the idiot that falls for it every single time.
Lucas: You are not an idiot. You know who you are. People lie because they don't and they're afraid that other people might find out before they do.
one tree hill - episode:the trick is to keep breathing (sakto lang hahaha)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well - Psalm 139:14

ya. its true. i do know who i am. so why keep feeling bad about lies? i want to stop feeling bad about all the rumors and the judgment calls. i want to stop being bothered by who people compare me to and what the results are. because i know who i am. i know what i want and what i need too. and i know i dont need these whispers, all these talk. i know that i am trying my best to live for Him, and that is my only reason for living. i am here because of Him and i stay because of Him. i am not that person you expect me to be, and im certainly never going to be anything like her or the person you want me to be. im just always going to be me and later on, with His love, be the person i was meant to be. ya. keep breathing lianne. keep breathing. everything is going to be okay :)

indeed,i shall believe

2007-09-14T23:07:00.000+08:00

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
i shall believe by sheryl crow

"i hate you"

2007-09-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

have you ever been locked out of your house? or your dorm room? have you locked your key inside the locker? if you have, then im sure you know the frustration of trying, struggling and fighting to get it open.

whatever you were locked out of, you probably cherished that thing right. i mean, i remember that at one point in highschool i locked myself out of our room. i didnt go to the mall that night and almost everyone did. i felt like sleeping in and then studying. i think i had a bad day. anyway, i knew i wanted to go back to my bed, snuggle under my blankies and fall asleep to jars of clay. but i locked the door. and forgot the key inside. i tried opening it. tried using my id to slide in, tried picking the lock for goodness sake, tried twisting and turning the knob hoping it was loose...i didnt want to call the guard, it was too embarassing. but finally, out of pure exhaustion, out of the realization that yes i didnt have the key, i resigned to calling the guard. and waiting.

my hands were painful, i was sweating like anything, and i was exhausted. but all the more i wanted to get inside that door and go to realizing my wonderful dream of sleeping.

when the guard finally came, she was clucking her tongue and shaking her head. i laughed at my own pride. when we opened the door, i heard the trumpets of heaven play hahaha. but at the sight of my bed i had to scream. there was a cockroach crawling under. and in case you dont know i hate cockroaches. one crawled on me when i was a kid while sleeping and i was traumatized for life hahaha. it was under the bed already though and the guard said, "sana pala nabuksan mo edi nagapangan ka niyan" -.-

so there i was relieved and grateful that i wasnt on that bed when that big cockroach was. i ended up doing my math homework instead of sleeping that night. hahaha. but...ya. calling the guard for help and waiting for her had its purpose. it wasnt my door to open at that time. i didnt have the key.

there are things in our lives that we dont have the keys to. and it frustrates us. it exhausts us. it pains us not to have it because we saw something inside that we want, that was beautiful. but the key is not just with us and we have to ask for help. and asking for help means admitting you have not been successful in trying to open that one thing. i say not successful because you didnt really fail. it just wasnt really yours to open.

i couldnt open that door. i couldnt open that door to your heart. i tried. with everything i could think of. for awhile i felt that door budge but it shut me out again. thats when i realized it wasnt my door to open.

those three words just confirmed that indeed, the beautiful thing i saw inside will just be a thought in my mind for now, a request in my prayers...

three words. yet they seem so powerful. three words that blew my emotions out of proportions. three words i never thought id hear, especially from you. three words that made me see the guard in my life shaking His head and saying, its not yet time, please stop trying.

i may not be able to laugh at my own pride yet but...with His grace, i know i will be able to.

im walking away from the door to your heart. because its not mine to open. its His.

i love you.

and one day i could only pray you see that.

17 times :)

2007-08-22T09:36:00.000+08:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
- chasing cars by snow patrol -

i loved you all along

2007-08-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

darnit. i remember everything.

you call it madness, i call it love (don byas)

2007-08-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

love does no harm to its neighbor. therefore love is the fulfillment of the law (romans 13:10)
i love the sound of the rain right now. not too harsh, not too light. just right.
this coldness is just perfect
i want to love in a world that has stopped loving, believe in a world that beats your faith out of you, and dream in a world that robs you of it
i want champorado
i want to dance to a justin timberlake or a beyonce song right now
...do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought but rather think of yourselves with the sober judgment in accordance with the measure of faith given to you (romans 12:3)
i love talking about anything you can think of for hours and hours and hours
the memory of doing a sigsheet on a cylinder-shaped wire plays in my head and i am saddened and refreshed at the same time
i dream of backpacking around the world - and if not, europe will do
im gonna love you more than anyone. im gonna hold you closer than before. and when i kiss your soul your body be free. - gavin degraw
i would love to watch coldplay, red hot chili peppers, usher and carlo santana live
is this the love you show your friend? why didnt you go with your friend? (2 samuel 16:17)
bakit ganun?
im tired of saying sorry because i was happy
sometimes, love really does take time to sink in
i need to hear you say i love you, i loved you all along and i forgive you, i forgive you for being far way for far too long so keep breathing cause im not leaving you anymore (far away by nickleback)
when i get married i want lots and lots of flowers
i want to go to the beijing olympics
God is letting me get the rest i need with this looong weekend - and i just realized this now
i actually studied in advance for an exam. surreal.
i want to go out and just drive with my windows open. just drive till i get tired and go home
huwag kang matakot. di mo ba alam nandito lang ako sa iyong tabi? di kita pababayaan kailanman. at kung ikaw ay mahulog sa bangin ay sasaluhin kita (huwag kang matakot by orange and lemons)
highschool seemed less complicated now but back then it really wasnt hahaha
i actually kinda miss highschool
im so ready to graduate
i want to have a new Bible but i havent found the perfect one yet
the first semester, the rainy season always brings back so many memories - most of them just make me sad...sad, but makes me feel... stronger somehow
hanggang sa dulo ng mundo...masdan mo aking mata, di mo ba nakikita? ako ngayo'y lumilipad at nasa langit na, gusto mo bang sumama? (alapaap by eraserheads)
i miss being relaxed
i want to toast to something. i just dont know what
i wish people would stop asking other people what and why and ask me what and why
i miss sir avecilla and teodoro classes
hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs (proverbs 10:12)
dont tell me its nothing personal. it is personal. relationships are personal. theyre supposed to be personal. and when they end theyre supposed to hurt. hahaha. cheers to that.
i love my blanket
i miss you soooo much right now
ever wondered if unsent letters should really be sent? is it courage and wisdom or fear and foolishness to keep it unsent?
i wonder why people just disappear and convince you theyre just there when theyre not
and i wonder why people never believe you when you tell them you let them go because you love them
i want you to understand why. see its burning me to hold onto this. i know this is something i gotta do but that dont mean i want to. what im trying to say is that i love you, i just...i felt like this is coming to an end and its better for me to let go now than hold on and hurt you (burn by usher)
why did i stop wanting things i want?
why did i stop believing?
do i really want to know why?
am i ready to know why?
i wonder why people dont want to bridge gaps. sucks big time. then theyre all sad and bitter about you when in fact they have a choice
why, oh why, do i always gotta deal with the one who cant let go?
go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress, love her as the Lord loves the israelites (hosea 3:1)
i want to have a stepping out of the airport and inhaling foreign air moment again
i want to dance
id love to stand in the bookstore again and read between you and me cards
i really love talking to God throughout my day
i really dont like it when uaap games are cancelled
this is the 13th time ive played chasing cars by snow patrol
id love to get an original set of the friends dvd
and i miss my band of brothers dvd special collection
i hate stupid pop-ups even when i have a pop-up blocker
i wouldve loved to meet vincent van gogh
gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love (albert einstein)
i want ice cream, lots and lots of ice cream
i wanna run
i want to go the grocery and fill my shopping cart with fruits
i want to be a missionary
i want to have twins
i want to have a pure black cat and a cat that looks like garfield
love at first sight is easy to understand; its when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle (amy bloom)
im happy :)
there are people who will always be like family to me, no matter what happened, no matter if youre here or not, you guys...will remain forever
he chose globe for and because of me. can you believe that? im starting to. feels good :)
i feel so much better than i have for the past months
maybe its because ive been cooped up at home and i had time to rejuvinate my worn out soul, mind, body and heart
last week i really wanted to burst. self combustion. hahaha
the heart has its reasons which reasons know not of (blaise pascal)
im praying a phone drops out of the sky so i can have a new one hahaha
i miss reading - curling up in bed with a good book for the whole day
so many people are legalistic hahaha
oh no...lumalakas yung ulan...katakot
17th time im playing chasing cars by snow patrol wahahaha
im excited for the upcoming nba season
i hope my mth profs dont cram stuff that we missed in a week - wahhhh
im going to name my daughter leia :)
i want to watch a love story nyahahaha - i want to see who the mistress is and im a fan of maria hahaha
may princess sara ulit sa abs-cbn, kakatuwa
why love if losing hurts so much? we love to know we are not alone (c.s. lewis)
i soooper love green
i want to watch lion king in new york city
i want to be in oprah when she does a favorite things episode - i want all the free stuff hahaha
i want to bake something right now
i want some of kc's crinkles hahaha
or mary grace' brownies...oh myyyy... *drool*
every time we love, every time we give, its christmas (dale evans)
i wish christmas na
i miss crossing the street carelessly...exciting kasi hahaha
what hurts more? having someone you love so far away and missing them or having the person you love right beside you and not being able to tell them?
i miss watching dawsons creek hahaha
when did people get so judgmental?
where do you get off? hahaha...no seriously, where do you get off with that attitude?
christmas morning. the first time i saw you it was like christmas morning (brad pitt - mr&mrs smith)
i would never ever wish a heartbreak even on my worst enemy
do i have a worst enemy? hahaha but ya, you get the point
i miss playing the piano
i want to ride a bike again by the beach to watch the sunrise and pray
i miss watching last full shows
i never knew getting 'kilig' at the same time was possible but its great :)
i want a siberian husky
im weird. i wrap myself up to my chin with my blanket and then end up kicking it off and never putting it back on
i want to watch phantom of the opera in san francisco
i want to meet the queen harharhar
the love we give away is the only love we keep (elbert hubbard)
the reason why the its not you its me reason is often given is probably really because its the truth
someone once said to me was that anything that has something to do with the ocean, the rainbow or love she thinks of me - thats just wow, makes me feel warm and fuzzy
youre the rest of my life - woohoo.woot woot.
ay nako...stop speculating again what that was about hahaha
i get hyper at 2 am when i was at the dorm in highschool and wed be studying for finals or something
love does not make the world go round, its what makes the ride worthwhile (franklin p. jones)
sana bukas makalabas na ako ng aking tahanan - maganda ang makapagpahinga pero parang gusto ko naman huminga hahaha
sana hindi ako magising ng alas quatro ng umaga - sana tuloy-tuloy ang tulog ko
sana bukas marami akong matapos na kailangan kong gawin
shempre dapat may bukas muna hahaha
you know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. well, then, love your suffering. do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else (hermann hesse)
hmmm ever noticed that people only say the nicest things about people when theyre dead already?
sometimes all we need to say is sorry and everything is forgotten
the sorry must be sincere though hahaha but ya thats it
i think pride is one of the very hindrances to truly reaching a person
He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing (zephaniah 3:17)
i love cars
i love the smell of freshly baked cookies and coffee - even though i dont love coffee hahaha
finally i can sleep
i love people who ask sincerely how are you
i care very little if i am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, i do not even judge myself (1 corinthians 4:3)
i think ill go back to reading bio books hahaha i love bio
my bed is calling me
mind lagging
time to crash hahaha
whoso loves, believes the impossible (elizabeth barret browning)

you call it madness, but really, i call it love :)

random thoughts again

2007-08-16T22:16:00.000+08:00

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today. Take this music and use it. Let it take you away. And be hopeful (hopeful) and He'll make a way. I know it ain't easy but that's okay (Hope by Twista and Faith Evans)

listening to r&b rap again. just watched coach carter. such an inspiring movie. you guys should watch it especially when your spirits are down.

everyone around me has been taking me down memory lane. talking about stuff from the past. i think ill take one of my own ...yun nga lang on my own. hahaha.

have you ever witnessed someone dear to you die right in front of your eyes? you had them in your arms and then their car crashes right in front of your eyes? you run but somehow deep down in your gut, you know its too late? you pray but somehow you know this one has been answered?

powerlessness. ironically so powerful.

it is in our powerlessness that we are reminded just how small we really are. that no grade, no award, no applause, no compliment could make us invincible or mighty enough to save.

but it is also in our powerlessness that we find the most powerful thing we can offer: love. love because in times that we are most powerless to do anything, one ability remains: the ability to love.

there was probably nothing that couldve been done that wouldve prevented that car crash. but one thing is for sure: the people who knew him had all the chances to love him. they were not powerless with that.

and im starting to realize that ya, awe all have this desire to protect the people we care for...to build a bubble around them to shield them from pain, from danger, from harm and ya thats great -- but we can only go so far. some things are just really out of our hands.

and i think somehow thats a good thing. because then well really live our lives to the fullest. theres less room for complacency when we are aware that at any moment, everything we hold dear can just disappear. theres less room for self centeredness, as we desire to seek other peoples happiness aside from our own.

...random thoughts again

smile

2007-08-09T09:39:00.000+08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is
that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are meant to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others(taken form Coach Carter and thanks to maxines blog)

2005 and 2006 were my most trying years. and all throughout those years, in my most trying times, on my worst feeling days, my friend would always tell me or write to me 'li, smile and the world smiles with you' i love that line. and as i now go through another bunch of stuff that overwhelm me, as i read this quote, i am reminded that it is how we look at things, what we do with what happens to us that matters...so ya, smile. and the world smiles with you =)

life story song ko

2007-08-08T20:12:00.000+08:00

Hindi mo maintindihan
Kung ba’t ikaw ang napapagtripan
Ng halik ng kamalasan
Ginapang mong marahan ang hagdanan
Para lamang makidlatan
Sa kaitaas-taasan, ngunit
Kaibigan Huwag kang magpapasindak Kaibigan,
Easy lang sa iyak
Dahil wala ring mangyayari
Tayo’y walang mapapala
Wag mong pigilan ang pagbuhos ng ulan
May panahon para maging hari
May panahon para madapa
Dahil ang buhay natin ay sadyang ganyan
Umaaraw, umuulan
Umaaraw, umuulan
Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan
Umaaraw, umuulan
Wag kang maawa sa iyong sarili
Isipin na wala ka nang silbi
San’ dambuhalang kalokohan
Bukas sisikat ding muli ang araw
Ngunit para lang sa may tiyagang Maghintay............
Kaibigan, Wag kang magpapatalo Kaibigan, Itaas ang noo

ladies and gentlemen, umaaraw umuulan by rivermaya....wahahahahaha.... cheers to life :)

I have had worse partings, but none that so gnaws my mind still. perhaps it is roughly saying what God alone could perfectly show - how selfhood begins with a walking away and love is proved in the letting go - C.Day Lewis

isaiah 53:3

2007-07-30T23:19:00.000+08:00

i cant write. my mind is drawing a blank. but i want to. i want to write something. because really, i gotta get this all out. all these emotions, all these thoughts, i have to put it all down. but i cant. *sigh* im one big heap of emotions, thoughts and convictions right now. all hanging on a thread of faith. argh.

phew. just a few points actually.

1. if ur concerned, make sure u really are. please dont go to another person and say ur concerned. please talk to the person/people really involved. please talk to me. otherwise, id think it was some kind of lashing out or gossiping. cause maybe its just because i hurt you or did something that bothered you. please tell me. i dont bite really.

2. 'if you judge people, you dont have time to love them' - mother theresa

3. let it go. please. all of you. it is him and me. not him and her. its been decided. its been claimed. its been fought for. hard. i know him and her were great - they were fantastic and awww so nice. but him and me, id like to think is the best. God knows all our what ifs, couldve beens and what might have beens and He has chosen. the harder you fight that with stares, actions and words, the more you crush my spirit. the more you crush my fragile heart. the more you quench my soul. it makes me think im so low i can never reach where she was. i hope you know it hurts - to that depth. because it really does.

4. 'grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered.' - captivating by stasi eldredge. so yes im grieving because it mattered. it mattered to me more than youll know. you matter to me - no matter how much you refuse to see that. i didnt make any excuses to let go. they were reasons, not excuses.

*sigh* no im not angry or upset or annoyed. i am hurting. deeply.

God, this is slowly killing me. please do not allow it. please refuse it. i have placed my whole self on you Lord - all 107 pounds of me i place in your hands. because im in too much pain the only light i see is you. i do not understand anything right now and might not for a very long time. but please God, stay close to me. stay very, very close.

"God went back and got the shaking little girl that was hiding under the bed and convinced her to come out. He unclenched her little fists and took her hand and placed it in his and answered her question. He held her and told her it was OK for her not to be tough. He would protect her. She didn't have to be strong. He told her she wasn't a rock but a child. An innocent child. His child. He didn't condemn her for ANYTHING but instead understood her and loved her. He told her she was special...like no other and that she had special gifts LIKE NO OTHER. She knew his voice and trusted him. She could hear the pleasure He had for her in His voice and felt His delight in her as He talked. He was so gentle and loving she couldn't help but melt in His arms." - Captivating

Lord, convince me to come out again under the bed.

love

2007-07-22T23:37:00.000+08:00

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-Shakespeare-

chasing signal fires

2007-07-17T22:16:00.000+08:00

song currently playing: chasing cars by snow patrol

"how do i compete with that? he loves her. and everyone knows it but him and her. how do i compete with that? i cant."

"theyre my family. and i can hate them, i can get angry with them, but theyre my family and at the end of the day ill defend them. if you want to be a part of the family, then you gotta start forgiving them."

"she knew all along about my years of having an affair with another woman and she stayed. and here i was all along thinking it was my good secret. she stayed."

"im a pretty girl. but he doesnt make me feel like the pretty girl. he makes me feel like me."

"im not going to give you advice on how to be 'on top'. i dont want to be responsible for your becoming less human."

"out of the 7 deadly sins, anger stands out. because unlike the other 6, anger does something. it affects people. it damages people."

- greys anatomy-

hay. spent my whole afternoon and evening with dvds. theres just too much noise in my head i had to lay still. just lay still. just to hear. to stop talking. to just stop talking and be still. and those quotes above hit me when they did. busy, busy, heavy, heavy week.

random thoughts.

like how much the past matters. how much does it really matter?why do we keep looking back?i guess i realize it now. we keep looking back and have a hard time moving on because there was something we have a hard time forgiving ourselves for -- not making the most out of a chance, not doing things right, leaving something unsaid or undone...thats why we keep looking back, cause we know it couldve been better. but what if...you tried everything? well then thats when it just hurts. it just hurts but you dont look back anymore. but ya, doesnt take out the fact that it hurts. because its gone. because you let go. and only God knows if it will ever come back. how much does the past matter? a lot. but not as much as the present and what the future could be. not as much as forgiving yourself matters.

family. what does that really mean? does it limit itself to DNA or bloodline? ive met a lot of people and i can say i have friends i can allow myself to be my most fragile state with and be more comfortable than having ice cream with a relative. family. isnt family a person or a group of persons willing to go with you through thick and thin? will wholeheartedly accept you and embrace the person that you were, are and could be? who will cheer you on even if youve let them down so many times? family. i dont think its a biological thing at all. i think its more of a heart thing.

i think letting go is one of the grandest gestures of love. not the stupid im letting you go in an attempt to look like a good person situation. but letting go when the whole of you doesnt want to - because you know its for the other persons best. and standing ur ground when the person lashes out at you, doesnt understand what you did and walks away. far, far away. and pretends to be a stranger. and yet you stand ur ground no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much u want to grab them and take them back...because you know its for their good. its for their best. and the only real thing you can do is pray that they get it someday.

forgiveness. its such a powerful thing. its such a mighty thing yet no one really bothers using it. the world sometimes makes forgiveness a weak thing. on the contrary, i think its one of the most courageous thing. i mean, seeing a man squeeze the shoulder of the man who just caused his daughters car to crash and her to die is a moving scene. moving beyond words. i think its what draws people together. and i think, that even more powerful than giving forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.

at the end of the day, our time here is limited. so why not make the most out of it? more than that, why not live it right? ive made so many mistakes in the past few days i cant keep track. and i realize ive made them when i thought only of what my feelings are. at the end of the day does that really matter? ive always believed in ending things with a bang. a break up with a one big whapow liner, an ending with a one big cliffhanger, an event with fireworks display at the end...bang. and then its gone. bang and then its gone. im realizing that its not how we end things. its what we leave that matters. when we die, what kind of story do we leave behind? what do our lives speak of? love? grudges? anger? pride? grades? mercy? at the end of the day, how do we let other people live? with our hurtful words? with a lot of encouragement? with a lot of putdowns?

random thoughts.

hay. God is good.

=)

2007-07-12T21:14:00.000+08:00

phew. whattaweek. well. im pretty much exhausted but still happy. last saturday was one of the busiest days to date for my year. and sunday my body came crashing down with the flu. and monday i was sniffing and coughing my way through my classes, clutching my jacket and hoping to God the day ends already. yesterday night was busy too. and today is a very productive day. hahaha. praise God. but in the middle of all the reports, researches, accounting, writing essays (eating fresh pistachios mmmm hahaha) and stuff, i dunno why, but i just had to remember. i just had to remember my dawson creek days (and my tansformers days too on hero tv hahaha man that movie was great for a kid like me)hahaha. so on i went to youtube and just typed in joey and pacey. hahaha. and ya, they had a lot of hormones stuff on that show but some were really pretty good and the episode i came across brought such a huge smile on my face. hahaha. i mean sometimes, the present is so heavy you just gotta remember what made it worthwhile in the first place =)

Pacey: Why do you have those? (looking at the earrings Joey was wearing - they were at the prom)
Joey: Why? Because I'm just a poor tomboy or because Dawson gave them to me?
Pacey: Neither. See this...this is you. It's not showy or gaudy, just simple...elegant, beautiful.
Joey: This is my mom's bracelet (Deceased mom - cancer)
Pacey: I know
Joey: How do you know?
Pacey: Well...Because you told me...six months ago. You were wearing that, uh blue sweater with snowflakes that you have, we were walking down the hallways of school, I was annoying you as usual and you said look Pacey, I just found my mother's bracelet this morning so why don't you cut me some slack?
Joey: You remember that?
Pacey: I remember everything

1,2,3...SIGH. hahaha. well ya. that was i think one of the sweetest lines in the show. or any show for that matter. hahaha. anyway. lately ive been feeling like the past is some dark corner in my life i shouldnt get back to. actually just the past in general. ive been kinda irritated with people talking about their past - people from their past, events in the ir past - i dunno, for some reason, id like to always say to them ya its done already, get over it and move on. sheesh. talk about bitter hahaha. but ya, i guess its because some present things are heavy. some present things hurt and so i just want to look into the future, the unknown where i can dream and find myself in happy places and happy times. but i realize that when you look back, you find bits and pieces there that make the present worth it. whatever the present is, it is something to be grateful for.

my discipler's favorite devotional is the 'turn back' one - the one found in exodus 14:2...when God ordered Moses to tell the israelites to turn back. she's used it on us, in bible studies, meetings, team buildings, etc. but ya, everytime i hear it, it blesses me in a new way. turn back. why God? why would you want me to turn back when that looks like a sure trap? it looks like sure death for your people? why Lord it's so crazy to turn back when were almost home free, why go back, weve waited for this so long Lord, why do you ask me to do a crazy illogical thing?

why? because i want you to witness something beautiful, my child. i want you to witness one of the greatest miracles. i want you to see how much i love you -- not only will i deliver you from your pain, ill make the oceans you face part before your very eyes.

okay Lord. i get it. turn back. sometimes i just dont want to look at the past, there are so many things i did im not so proud of, things that make me turn in shame, things that make me cry in pain...but there are good things. and there were lessons there. i learned so much. and it is there that yes God, i felt closer to you than ever. lately i feel all the attacks on my faith. and its hard because it hurts to get attacked Lord. but last saturday, as that girl said, no matter how much intellectual books make sense in my brain i know it i cannot believe that He doesnt exist, i feel God. and that brought me joy. joy that far outweighed the pain of being attacked. because yes i know youre real. i feel it -- not just in my emotions, but in my life, in my world, everywhere. heck, even in dawsons creek you speak to me. turning back is not so bad after all. all that ive been through, when i see your hand in all of it, all the pain now - its worth it =)

like yesterday. it was raining pretty hard...and i felt bad cause i hurt one of the closest people to my heart, one person i love so much and we were not okay...and as we were crossing the streets, getting my feet, arms and bag soaked...i wanted to cry but i remembered a day almost the same as that one two years ago. i was also crossing the street, the rain was pouring much harder, in fact there was a typhoon that day...and i remember riding the jeep and seeing lighting strike the ground before my eyes. i remember laughing with abby and toti as my shoes went squish squash as we went home to watch the dvd of the movie we had our film 100 exams for. i remember it was the year my heart got broken and i was recovering. and i remember, just that day, when i broke into peals of laughter over my soggy socks, smelly feet and squishy shoes, looking at abbys smiling face, that im going to be okay. and i didnt have that realization for quite a few months...until that one rainy day.

so i guess ya. turning back has its purpose. it makes you see how long youve come, you far God has brought you...how far you can still go. and how, even though youve let go of people or things right now and it hurts, even though youre dealing with heavy stuff right now that you feel you cant survive, you can be amazed that you can hear and believe that voice deep inside you saying youre going to get through this =)

"I hold it true, whate'er befall; i feel it, when i sorrow most; 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Lord Alfred Tennyson

little lianne

2007-07-03T23:37:00.000+08:00

I never loved nobody fully.Always one foot on the ground.And by protecting my heart truly I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind.All of these voices I hear in my mind,all these words I hear in my mind, all this music...And it breaks my heart... And it breaks my heart - Fidelity by Regina Spektor (its a cute song,listen!)

i have this green skirt. its my favorite. its pleated and has big green flowers all over it. its cute. and i wear it on special occasions and my happiest days. i havent worn it for a long time now. just been thinking about it.

kinda reminds me of this little girl i once knew. this girl wouldnt be singing regina spektors fidelity thats for sure. this girl loved with arms wide open and smile inspiring. this girl loved like her heart was never going to get broken. she trusted like she was never going to get betrayed. this girl laughed her heart out. she cried her heart out as well when in pain. but she was always at peace. she was always seen with joy.

i miss that little girl because it was so good watching her live life to the fullest. she danced like there was no tomorrow and as if the music pulsated through her innermost being. she sang as if even the birds in timbuktu could hear her. and she was grateful, always grateful for whatever came her way. she lived. oh, she lived fully.

i was that little girl. ya. somewhere along the way i realized i lost her. amidst all the heartaches, betrayals, pressures and stress, i lost her. just like that green skirt i loved to wear so much -- i forgot to celebrate life.

and im just praying that now i found that little girl again, that she will come back to me. because this life i live behind fears and traumas are not so fun after all. i want that little girl back. i want to find my green skirt again -- to find the reasons of why i should celebrate life not dread it.

come back, little lianne. when you do, i promise ill engulf you in one big embrace and say, lets start really living again. thank God He's making that day closer than ever. =)

"In 1 episode of South Park, Stan found his friend Butters, who just has his heart broken sitting on a rain soaked curb in tears. Butters: Uh, well ya,I'm sad but at the same time I'm really happy dath something could make me feel so sad. It's like itmakes me feel alive you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can fulfill this sad now is I felt really good something before...So I have to take the bad with the good..."Psyh 101

whats in a dream?

2007-06-18T22:03:00.000+08:00

i dunno why i found this article/reflection entry i wrote way back. but funny. i can still relate to it, especially today =) i guess some things never change =)

im listening to bach's pachelbel canon in d. its so wonderful, how each string instrument comes to life as the piece progresses. its kind of like life. something comes alive as we move forward...and somehow we know when were moving to the right direction because the music we create is nothing less than breathtaking.

ive got dreams. ya, im a big dreamer. i heard someone once say that the dreams that come from your heart are from God. He planted it there, so He could plant the blueprint of your life somehow. in that case, God must have a big blueprint for me because i have a lot of dreams. hahaha.

sometimes, when im riding the car, i close my eyes and i see a vision of me riding a train somewhere else, like the countryside of great britain or something. or sometimes, when im walking in the market and i smell the delivery truck, i get transported to the market streets of hongkong where i can see myself walking endlessly with shopping bags hahaha. but there are dreams that are very real to me, like yes, i guess the ones that come from the heart.

i dream of seeing the world. and not just for shopping or fine dining or pictures, but really seeing it. what makes other cultures throb, where was Jesus born, where did He walk, see the world's problems face to face and be able to do something about it like hug them or give them a prayer for hope, i just want to be able to be there. i dream of getting my masters in my dream university. i mean if i get a chance to really ask God for something for me, that would be it, to study there. i dream of establishing my own orphanage someday, where people could get their second chances and first chances at life. these are dreams that are very close to my heart. and ya, sometimes at night, before i go to bed and im praying and those dreams cross my mind, i believe that God planted it on my heart.

but theres this dream, this little girl dream that i really think comes from the heart. it is the dream of finding my prince. and this is crazy to say it openly but i believe that its what makes it real, when we say it. besides, who hasnt dreamt of that really? dont we all dream of that? to find the person who will say were beautiful while wiping the few sweat soaked strands of our hair from our sweaty foreheads? to find the person well catch staring at us from across the room not with the i want you stalker kind of look but with the im so blessed to have you look? to find the person we could laugh endlessly with till our stomachs hurt or sob our hearts out with and forget what it was all about after? to find the person who sees you as in really see you for everything beautiful you could be? hahaha. thats my dream.

and as i listen to bachs piece, i see this dream clearly. and i say to myself, when i find that person, i will make sure everyday that it wont be my dreams -- but his, the ones that come from the depths of his heart, the ones that are for his blueprints -- come true. =) yes, that is my dream, to find the person i can love.

chos. ang mushy. pero diba, magandang refreshing entry ito after my overwhelmingly sad entries hahaha. you guys should try egg rolling. its stress relieving.hahaha.btw i found that person.wahahaha.WAHHH.hahaha.

little miss rain

2007-06-16T21:45:00.000+08:00

"Those who feel happy basking in the glory of the sun have obviously not experienced dancing in the rain."

here i go again. but not really. but ya, im on my knees. but no, the sky is not falling. God is holding it up for me.

my dearest Father,
im in pain right now. i thank you for being my smile today. i thank you for giving me reasons to smile. for not only sustaining me through the day, but making me soar above the pain to serve you. but i cant ignore it Father. i am in pain. my heart is heavy. nevertheless, i lift it up to you. its heavy with the pain of loss. once again i had to close doors. some i had to throw away the key to, some i had to give to you so you will open it in your time. i know Father. i know that there is a purpose and a reason for all of this. and i trust you. but i also know that i cant ignore this pain. otherwise, ill go back again into that empty hole where everything screams at me that i am alone. i dont want to go back there. i want to be here with you. in pain, but with you. and i wouldnt wanna be anywhere else. thank you Lord. because you never left me. even when ive walked away [ran even] from you so many times, you never left me. and you always meet me where i am... weve come a long way, my Lord. a very long way. and i have nothing but overwhelming gratitude for you as i look back. thank you for shielding me when people throw words at me that hurt, thank you for showing your love for me more when people accuse or judge me, thank you for being faithful to your promise that you wont leave when people seem to want to give up on me, thank you for seeing the best in me when people brought me down...thank you...i know no love greater than yours. Father, you know how im aching right now and how much. i just ask that you be with me. ive been down this road many, many times before Lord. and at times this week i get that awful feeling that its repeating again but i know Lord that its different this time. its different this time because i want to get through it with you. its different this time because this time i am accepting this pain. i will not push it away or cover it up Lord. we will get through this. you will get me through this Lord. i pray that i wont be scared anymore. this is my last year and ironically, i think im spending it alone. i dont want to be scared that ill be spending it alone. i dont want to be scared to meet new people that could possibly leave again after a sem just like that. i dont want to be scared anymore, period. thank you because i know after this well be closer and ill grow. thank you because even though i lost these people, these things, i can say i havent lost you. Lord, i really wanted to heal with them, really wanted to fix things...but now ive accepted that sometimes, i really just have to let it go...and as for the changes in my life, i know its for your smile God and...i want that Lord, but its really hard on me. so please stay really close and hold my hand. cause i wont get through this without you. if i want it to be different this time, its gotta be with you. i know that ill still cry many tears and i know there will be times when id want to give up but please Lord, dont give up on me. and i love you even more already because i know you wont. thank you Father for making me your little girl, your princess and your friend. i love you.

lia

2007-06-07T21:16:00.000+08:00

Its so easy to love when you are loved back. You give a gift, the person smiles and throw their arms around you in appreciation. You surprise someone with a little something and they laugh with delight as if there was no tomorrow. You hold out your hand and say “Everything is going to be okay” and you receive a tight grasp full of trust and hope. Ah, love. What happens though when you give a gift and the corners of the recipients mouth forms a thin line and gives way to a soft thank you? What happens when your surprise gets a grumpy okay? What happens when you hold out your hand and there is nothing but air that meets your skin? Dont get it wrong. These people love you but they just cant seem to give the reaction you were hoping for. Aha. Its not so easy to love anymore, is it? Ah, I guess its not so easy to love even when you are loved back. Maybe I shouldve said its so easy to love when you are loved back the way you want to be loved back. Yeah, it sucks, doesn’t it?

Ive always thought people who can love that much were great people, those that spent their whole lives living with the poor like Mother Theresa. Ive always thought I couldn’t be anything great because of that since I can’t even keep myself from getting annoyed with the grouchy lady from the library.

There mustve been twenty some stories that ran through my mind for this weeks article. I thought about our groups devotional last week about the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, I remembered Pastor JP’s amazing perspective on the story of Jesus turning water into wine, I almost wrote about Kuya Ryan’s moving message on Jesus’ conversation with Peter after His resurrection. I thought of these events and some more instances in the Bible because I was looking for something that would do justice to this week’s topic: God’s greatness.

I realized, however, that I need not look far. And sometimes, thats the biggest fall of Christians. We look so far, too deep or extremely high for solutions to our worries or peace for our troubles that we forget to just go back to where we started…The cross.

Jesus, a blameless, righteous man died for sinners. He healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, breathed life back into the dead. And what do we do? We pierced His head with thorns, struck His hands with nails and hung him to die. Wow, I don’t know about you, but the minute people started being ungrateful, disappointing me or betraying me, I would’ve walked out already. He didn’t do that though. He didn’t walk away. He stayed. Up on that cross that day, bleeding, thirsty and hurting, He showed what greatness was all about.

In a world that promotes self-development, convenience and pride, the picture of greatness still shines. It is the greatness that keeps giving you people to care for you as gifts, it is the greatness that keeps surprising you with a great weather, an impossible grade or a wonderful meal…and is the greatness that continues to reach out a helping, soothing hand that tells you everything will be okay no matter what even when you refuse to take it. It is the greatness that keeps you alive, changing and growing into something better.

Yeah, Mother Theresa was a great person. Yet Im finding that I am not a hopeless case after all. You and I…we can be great too. No, no…not because we have the ability to choose to live with the poor and all that but because someone, some thousand years ago, decided to be great first. Someone illustrated what greatness was first. And that’s how you and I can be great too. That’s how I can smile at the grouchy librarian the next time she shouts at me right beside the “Silence” sign. He loved us first.
“We loved because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19 )

goodbye

2007-06-06T23:07:00.001+08:00

MEREDITH:I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss. Which, is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy, I... want to be able to remember that, and I can't. I can't remember.
DEREK:It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little 'Dartmouth' T-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and you smelled like some kind of...flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put you hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed
[Grey's Anatomy]

how do you say goodbye? ya goodbye. that word you have to deal with when youve tried absolutely everything to make ends meet,to meet each other half way, when youve tried your best at anything...anything to repair what has been broken, to find light in the dark, to bring back what was lost...when youve gone on your knees to pray...and it just didnt work. how do you say goodbye? been encountering that question a lot recently (breakups, ex hangovers, migrations, deaths, you name it been encountering it hahaha).

i remember a story from our senior pastor in church. he was talking about his trip with his wife in venice. he told us about how they ended up getting lost because they went on foot on her suggestion and on her navigation and they almost missed the train on her insisting that they wait to help a stranger. all to watch a concert that he had no faint interest or idea about. mozart who?

as they sat there and the first few notes of the first song were played, he began feeling irritated beyond his wits and exhausted. then he glanced over to his side to where his wife was sitting. her smile was radiant, her eyes sparkling like never before. she looked at him, smiled wider, leaned in and whispered 'listen.' and he did. he closed his eyes, shut his mind off of all the worries, of their schedule for tomorrow, of his irritation, of his mood, of his tired body, of his exasperated mind and did just that. listen. and for the first time in his life, not only were his eyes opened. his heart was also. mozart became mozart that very moment. music became music. and he and his wife went home happy.

uh-huh. europe, a pastor and his wife, mozart. thats all great lianne but what does that have to do with saying goodbye? hahaha. well actually, it has a lot to do with it.

...because in order to truly say goodbye, one must know how to truly love. ya, love.
when our pastor heard his wife say listen, he was truly loving. he was putting her interests first. he was putting her desire to be known first. and when he did, he was set free of all his inhibitions about music. he found a new way to enjoy living.

when you love to say goodbye, it is the same thing. you put another's life before your own. you forget that youre in pain and acknowledge that someone else is and in order to truly heal, you must truly release that person. when you love, you begin to realize that somewhere out there, another someone is probably needing the person youre holding onto and the longer you hold on, the longer you deprive someone of a second chance or a brand new hope. when you love, you no longer worry about how youll survive but just how another person can live.

no, loving someone doesnt make saying goodbye any easier. there will still be tossing and turning in bed nights, there will still be tears you thought you were dry of already, there will still be days when youd be undoubtedly convinced it was pure mistake that you even thought of letting go. no, loving doesnt make saying goodbye easier. but it does make it possible. at least you know, even in the tiny corners of your heart, that everything will be okay.

at least you know you truly loved, you saw that it was worth it. the friendship...the relationship...to look back to and just remember it for the wonderful thing it was. no matter what the reason, no matter whose fault it was, no matter what, you know it was worth it to give it a good...bye. because it started good, it was good. it just had to end. and as cliche as it might sound, even good things come to an end.

truly loving to truly say goodbye is listening to your heart instead of your crappy feelings, your rational mind and dying spirit to do what you belive you need to do.

so how do you say goodbye? by saying i love you first =)

run fear run

2007-05-17T22:55:00.000+08:00

"i dont know what was wrong with me till your love helped me name it" - aretha franklin

i push you away, you cringe. i let you in, we get hurt. i dont get you...i reach out you pull away, i walk away you get angry and blame me for your wounds...where do i draw the line?

lately, ive been having a difficult time asking questions like that. i mean, where do you really draw the line? where do you find balance? i mean, is there such a thing as close enough?

i realized ive been looking for the wrong thing. balance. having relationships, letting people in...its not about balance. its about love. letting people in is not a 35%, 50% thing...like love, it is 101% and maybe even more.

when you let someone in, you let them in. you allow them to stay. and you give them your stay. you allow people to love you. and you allow yourself the pleasure of loving them. most of all, when you let someone in...honestly, you can never really push them out the door anymore.

when you let someone in, you cant really ever get rid of them. they become a part of you...so what do you do? what do we do? spend that entire time with them getting anxious, getting scared? whatever happened to enjoying life's blessings?

lately ive been losing people. people ive let in. one of my friends asked me how i am and i said i miss people. its been dragging me down for the past few weeks. but...ive been realizing lately too that, they left. and that dwelling on the fact that i miss them wont really bring them back. thats the truth. and ironically, i got hit by this through rumors - a tangle of lies.

its funny. we can really get to know a person with how they react to things. i mean, when someone hears something that bothers them about a friend...the person who lets fear get the best of them wont ask. they will just believe. i saw that several times this week on different occasions.

its so easy to believe that someone has disappointed us, fallen short of our expectations, hurt us or doesnt love us rather than to believe that someone is actually breaking the barriers of our pessimistic norms out of love. its so easy to judge rather than have faith. its so easy to be convinced of what a stranger says than to ask someone we know almost like the back of our hand. its so easy to give up rather than fight. fear. it can really be so powerful sometimes.

and ive realized that...some of the people i miss? they let fear win over our friendships worth. ya. ya sure, the memories were great, the friendship is good, but ya, sometimes, wed all rather stay in our little corner where we wont get hurt, where we can hold on to just the idea that we are loved. so ya, im starting to see that some of the people i miss are saying, i love lianne but i just cant, i tried but i cant stay. im scared...HAY.

and ya, i do that too. ive walked away when i see that i might just get hurt or when i know that feelings are not reciprocated..but im seeing that love is not about being loved back. and im thinking that, if a person is really worth it that we'd fight our fears, we'd conquer risks, we'd take leaps of faith, we'd really get to know a person, we'd put someone else before us -- because the person is worth it, far more worthy of attention than ourselves -- thats truly loving and thats truly giving.

isnt it in times when we want to doubt everything that we should dig harder and deeper for truth? isnt it in times when we want to run away the most that we should plant our feet more firmly on the ground? isnt it when we want to hide completely that we should open our arms entirely? isnt it when we want to get angry the perfect opportunity to ask God to stretch our love along with our faith? isnt that love? and isnt that, when all else is lost, at the end of the day, when we are at our truest state, the kind of love that we also look for?

it was hard to swallow. it was hard to accept. but ya, i bow my head and take a deep sigh and pray for understanding. and the grace to embrace the truth. my times with those people were probably up. i mean where are they now? cant find them. cant feel them. maybe they really truly have given up on me. maybe fear has won the battle in them.

but its only a battle. there are second chances, new friendships, fresh beginnings...thats why im smiling. im smiling and im praying that the war is not over and that in the war, love will win.

"you cant tap your back for a job well done, you cant hug yourself for comfort, you cant cry on your shoulders when tears fall, and this is why you have friends in your life...to let them do whatever you cant"

great expectations

2007-05-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

i hate expectations. and comparisons. wala lang. but were all guilty of that. im guilty of that *SIGH* try harder. maannn. maging masaya naman tayo, kahit paminsan-minsan lang. hahaha. easier said than done, li. easier said than done.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, ariless -it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis

go pareng C.S.. hahaha.

S.O.S.

2007-05-06T11:21:00.000+08:00

He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams. - May Parker (Spiderman 2)

i dont feel much of a hero lately. i just feel tired. i dont think i helped anyone this week. i dont think i really had the energy to do so. if anything, i felt like i needed the rescuing.

i wouldnt have screamed in terror if a man dressed as a spider came swooping down to grab me and take me up above for a ride. far, far away from where im standing. really.

i couldnt breathe lately. you know that feeling when you figuratively feel the wall closing in on you, and the whole world around you seems to be one big blur, and everything you hear just stings? suffocating isnt it?

it comes from coldness. brrr. that coldness from silence that leaves everything unsaid but its yelling hard at you anyway, you failed me again, i cant deal with you right now you make me check myself so much i cant change that fast i dont want to change stay away, you didnt come when i needed you, youre not paying attention to me. SIGH. it comes from demands. do this, now, right this minute, change, be better, right that wrong, forgive, love, stop talking, stop doing whatever youre doing. SIGH.

ya, i wasnt much of a hero this week at all. because heroes dont want to stay in bed and hide from everyone. heroes dont cry while praying because of their need to fight the urge to fight back. heroes dont feel tired. or do they?

after watching spiderman, i was reminded of one attribute of heroes. one very important attribute that i failed to remember. theyre human. they have their imperfections too. and sometimes, as mary jane said, 'even spiderman needs help.'

i started this year by asking my disciples the question Jesus asked the man by the well "do you want to get well?" i told my girls to ask themselves that. do they want to get well? do i want to get well? sometimes we tell people ya ill try to be better, ya ill do that, ya ill keep that in mind, ya i want to improve...

but when faced with circumstances, with opportunities to change, to actually be better, we shrink away. wala, balik na lang ako sa comfort zone ko. will we ever really be better if we werent tested? ya, aunt may was right. theres a hero inside all of us. the question is, what are we doing to be that hero? hiding? running away? pushing everyone away? i dont know. i know for a fact that i was screaming to get out this week. get out of where? im not exactly sure.

nakakatawa si God. quiet time ko today is, "dont push back when you feel youre being pushed in, the walls that seem to press you are just the mighty hands of God squeezing the faith, love and character out of you, He has a purpose." hahaha. hindi naman masyadong sakto. hindi naman. konti lang.

sometimes i just want to be quiet. you know, because i know that everytime i say something, someone is bound to justify themselves or argue or get hurt. sometimes i just want to disappear so no one will worry about what theyre doing wrong, so i wont worry about what im doing wrong. but i remembered that God is there. and even if people dont understand me, when people cant say the words i need to hear and just talk about themselves, when i cant feel the assurance that they will stay, God is there. and last night, as i cried myself to sleep, i felt His loving arms, pressing in on me to squeeze me. i heard Him whisper, the Lord gives and takes away, my Lianne...and as a tear trickled down my cheek i nodded in full acceptance. yes Lord, I know. thank you for giving. and i accept that youre taking away. and it felt just right.

i still dont feel much of a hero but at least i know that i dont need rescuing anymore. i have been rescued. the battles of my life have been won. all praises to you, my Jesus.

and as i go through another week, i leave to you guys my song for the day, a song by snow patrol from the spiderman 3 soundtrack...lets all watch out for your signal fire...they're blessings =)

The perfect words never crossed my mind
'Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I've wanted just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out
There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety
No, I don't wanna wait forever
No, I don't wanna wait forever
In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eye
There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety

shutting down

2007-04-21T09:48:00.000+08:00

"Pinapalaya na kita sa pagmamahal ko." - Maging Sino Ka Man...YOONNN. Yun-yun eh. Hahaha.

maaannn, sometimes its just so hard to love. hahaha. phew.

the statement above is not the usual break up or goodbye line. it hit me. it hit me so hard. why in the world would you want someone to be free of love? isnt it the grandest thing? isnt it the most wonderful feeling?

ya. its all of that. but thats just the surface.

love goes deeper. way, way deeper. and it never stops.

bakit mo naman palalayain ang isang tao mula sa pagmamahal mo? nakikita ko na ang mga dahilan unti-unti sa mga tao sa aking paligid.

kasi...minsan, ayaw maniwala ng tao na ganoon mo siya kamahal o minsan, ayaw lang niyang maniwala na mahal mo siya. takot kasi siya, o hindi siya sanay sa ganoon. minsan naman, mas importante kasi sakanya na maitago ang pride niya. pweh na sa pagmamahal mo, masasaktan lang siya diyan, pride nalang. =)
kaya minsan, parang ang sarap sabihin yung sinabi sa maging sino ka man eh. minsan, ang sarap bumitaw nalang. bakit ka pa kakatok ng kakatok sa pintong pilit na isinasara? bakit mo pa pipilitin na tumulong sa taong pilit na sinasabing isa siyang islang matatag at hindi mabubuwag? bakit mo pa pagpipilitan ang sarili mo sa buhay na tila kumpleto na daw?

hay. eh iisa lang rin naman ang sagot dun. pagmamahal din.

mahirap nga, masakit minsan, nakakapagod. pero alam mo yun? hindi ba ganun ang pagmamahal? di ba ganun mo lang nalalaman na mahal mo talaga?
kasi pag lagi kayong masaya, pag lagi kayong sumasang-ayon sa isa't isa, asan na doon ang lalim ng isang pagsasamahan? nasaan na ang katotohanan kung hindi naman ito inaatake ng kasinungalingan? paano mo malaman na ang pag-ibig pala ay malaya na kung hindi mo naranasan na mabilanggo?

wala. no match talaga tayo sa pag-ibig. hahaha.

sometimes you want someone to be free of your love...but the truth is, you just want that person to be free of you, not of love, because you think that you just become a burden to that person, that you are not worthy enough to stay for or be with...sometimes we feel that way because we are putting the happiness of the other person first. or sometimes, we feel that way because we ourselves cant believe that we deserve love. i think thats why bea alonzo said that line. i think thats why we want to say those words.

i mean...would i know that i really love UP if i didnt go through the whole CRS new enlistment process? hahaha. no and i doubt if i could say that i have a soft spot for UP if it isnt where i experienced most of my happiest AND most trying times. thats when we really learn to love. when we believe beyond the bad stuff.
isnt it the grandest thing? yes it is, but its also the most real, strongest thing. and it cant be that without pain. it cant be that without the storms. it cant be that without trials. if everything were easy, then how can you really know for sure its yours?

isnt it the most wonderful feeling? yes, it could be one of the most wonderful feelings. but love is not just of feelings, of emotions, it is also a choice. a conscious, everyday choice.

i couldnt believe it these past few days. or maybe weeks. that i am worthy of loving. i started to question what good is there in me if people always belittle me and make me feel so small...maybe theres nothing really in me. there were moments when everything i would think of would only lead me to shake my head and say, please dont love me anymore. i make things complicated.

but i remembered God. and i remembered how much He loves me and how much He has been trying to bang on my doors and walls and windows and roofs...everything, just to get my attention, just to let me know He was there. He died for me...even when i didnt ask Him to. He saved me.

and i fell silent. ya, God loves me. phew.

all throughout this week too, i felt like everyone just wanted to push me away but at the same, kept saying they want me near. i almost shut down. you know, shut down, that feeling i get when i just want to say its just me and God. i dont want to care anymore about you. i dont want to deal with you. i want to run away. at one point i blew out a big breath of exhaustion and silently cried out, why cant you just really let me in, fully let me in there where it really matters - your heart. i wanted to crawl back inside my wall. i wanted to go away and disappear. but thank God i didnt.

"everytime i look at you, the world just melts away...all my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections, you see me at my weakest but you take me as i am...when i fall, you offer me a softer place to land. you stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together, you're the one true thing i know i can believe in...i get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe, no matter what i say or do cause you're too good to fight about it...even when i have to push just to see how far you'll go, you wont stoop down to battle me, you never turn to go..."

i remembered that song by sarah mclachlan. push. i remembered it just when i was about to shut down. its the ultimate song of love for me. i mean, its about not being perfect, but its about making things right. its making it. i realized, ive been singing that song to people in my life...i think it was about time that i became a blessing to others too and give that kind of love in return.

so ya, i love you guys. im not giving up. and im staying.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

LOVE NEVER FAILS." (1 Corinthians 13:1-8)

collide

2007-04-15T20:21:00.000+08:00

"..may kailangan akong sabihin sayo, tungkol sa ginawa ko."
"...kung ano man yun, ayoko ng malaman, hindi na importante yun, kasi kung ano man yun, hindi magbabago ang pagmamahal ko sayo, mamahalin pa rin kita." - Maging Sino Ka Man

wala lang. sabi nila minsan sobrang dami mong nararamdaman, hindi mo mahanap yung mga salita para sa mga emosyon na dumadaloy sa buong sistema mo. kaya minsan, mas magandang idaan nalang sa kanta. ewan ko ba, nung narinig ko itong kanta na to naluha ako. pano ba naman, give up na ako nun eh. akala ko kasi wala na. wala na talagang makakakita sakin the way he saw me. buti naman mali ako. kaya lang, eto na naman. minumulto na naman ako ng nakaraan ko. alam ko, kailangan kong harapin ang nakaraan para makita ang hinaharap. wala lang. minsan kasi, mahirap. sige, kanta nalang tayo.

collide by howie day
the dawn is breaking, a light shining through
im barely waking, and im tangled up in you
yeah
im open, youre closed
where i follow youll go
i worry i wont see your face light up again
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
and all of the doubt that fills your mind
we somehow find you and i collide
im quiet, you know
you make a first impression
well ive found im scared to know im always on your mind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
out of the back you fall in time
i somehow find you and i collide

tonight tonight

2007-03-29T00:38:00.000+08:00

in times like these, songs can better capture everything...
Tonight Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so brightTonight
And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so brightTonight
Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonigh
tThe indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

good morning

2007-03-19T21:27:00.000+08:00

"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not on the calendar, it's not a birthday, it's not a new year, it's an event--big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to." - Grey's Anatomy

my school year 06-07 is ending. wow. i dunno where to start saying goodbye to this school year...but then again,i dont know where it all really ends...

ya. i still have classes next week. all my finals are crammed into next week. 3 presentations in one day. make up class on saturday too. reports, a newspaper and a documentary. one mega objective finals. hay but what the. its okay. if theres anything i learned in college, in UP, its that, no matter how stressful or exhausting it gets,im going to be okay. so why worry? just work, right?

thats what i didnt see at the start of this year...that i was going to be okay. para kasing sunod-sunod lahat ng masama. i thought i was going to spend the entire school year with tears and heartache. im happy i was dead wrong again.

i wanted to let go of everything this school year. habits, friends, studies, dreams, ambitions, goals, prayer requests...you name it, i wanted to drop it. i didnt want to have anything to do with anyone or anything. sure, some things had to end...but i didnt realize that some things are meant to stay the same. there really are things worth holding onto [aside from an oh so good gallon of ice cream or a big bag of chippy or tortillos ha]

hay nako. natuwa na naman ako sa maging sino ka man.the show title pretty much sums it up, doesnt it? maging sino ka man. that pretty much sums up love. whoever you are. no matter what. *sigh*

i loved the episode tonight. john and bea havent been okay for quite some time now. they fell in love but john kept a big secret from bea for fear of losing her. bea forgot about him but they fell in love again and promised to be together through thick and thin. then many bad things happened. drove them apart, all the heartaches, all the ugly things said and unsaid hurt them so they drifted apart. but they got married. and now...well, theyre not yet okay. despite all the heartaches, despite all the chaos though...they still love each other. you can see it. theres only a certain way two people who love each other deeply can fight. they were just scared. they were just traumatized. they were just clueless on where to start again. but bea, while lying down beside john who was happily snoring, realized she does still love john and thats all she needed to know. she didnt need to know if he loved her back. so the next morning, she made him breakfast. john turned pale, obviously shocked from the gesture and the gentle manner that she was treating him with. and when bea turned to go, he uttered 'good morning.' the relief and happiness on beas face was priceless as she said good morning back.

good morning. just two words but it meant so much. two words that carried hope, saying, were not okay now but we will be. two words that promised second chances. two words that could might as well have been i love you because it really was - an attempt to reach out through the darkness. two words that capture what this school year has been for me.

a lot of things ended this school year. they all hurt. i literally felt as if my arm was being taken off, my heart was being pierced and i was tied to a post - so i couldnt move. i just had to watch it all be taken away. but as lenny kravitz sang, 'so many tears ive cried, so much pain inside, but baby, it aint over till its over.'

there are still days, you know. there are still days when id miss them. ya, the people whom i let go of. there are still days when id wonder how they are. there are even days when id be on the verge of texting one of them, asking for a good conversation again over a cup of tea, a laugh over an ice cream cone or a drive around campus with a good rock song. but id stop. because i know its not going to be the same again. there are just some things you leave to time, to prayer...to heal. id blink back tears during those moments. because it still hurts. sometimes, we just have to miss the people we miss. its a good reminder that we were fragile enough to love and had the courage to let go.

i had to let go. there were too many lies, too many battles, too many tears already...all of us were going to drown. i had to let go. but it doesnt mean it didnt hurt...that it doesnt hurt.

and what i realized is that, if i think about all the things and the people that are gone and think that they are gone forever, ill just get depressed. instead, id like to think about all of it as one big purpose. God had to take out the things and the people in my life that were not for me. and if they come back? then wow for me. that would be one of the best feelings. because if they do come back, then id know for sure, im meant to keep them.

good morning. =)

there are new people now. ive been going through my days with them. ive been sharing more things with them as days pass by. im reconstructing my life with them. ive made new friends. ive started new friendships. and for some reason, for some unknown wonderful reason, i believe these ones are meant to stay, these ones are meant to last. spontaneous araneta escapades, eat all you can merienda buffets, toe rings, starbucks coffee, yellow cab pizzas, mcdo sundaes at 11pm when everything feels like its crumbling, afternoons at the sunken garden when a stressful day is ending, a rainy day with halo-halo, peals of laughter over imaginations of a nonexistent girl in a short films festival, sweaty mrt rides, sunday morning prayers over homemade brownies, a simple shout of my name in the mass comm corridor with outstretched arms, a text to ask how i am, friday lunches...so, so many more and i thank you, those people you know who you are... truly, time is not the most essential ingredient in the formation of something real. like everything in this world, its whats in the heart that counts. im taking a leap of faith again. i feel alive again. i feel FREE.

ya i still have a long way to go. there will still be run-ins with the people i let go, there would still be rumors that theyd be spreading, there will still be judgmental stares that would rattle my innermost peace [ganda ko kasi, shucks hahaha.ar-tis-ta-hin.hahaha.chos]. hay but what the. its okay. if theres anything i learned in life, especially with mine, its no matter how tough or heartbreaking it gets, im going to be okay. so why fear? just live, right?

this school year is ending. thank God. hahaha. i hope you guys had a good one. GOOD MORNING. =)

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” - Isaiah 43:18-19

SONG PLAYING: waiting for the world to fall by jars of clay
I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky. But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been.And it's still winter in my wonderland. I'm waiting for the world to fall. I'm waiting for the scene to change. I'm waiting when the colors come. I'm waiting to let my world come undone. I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath. The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead.A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue.And the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You, thank you.

still photographs

2007-03-18T18:58:00.000+08:00

"every memory of looking out the back door..i had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor..its hard to say it, time to say it..goodbye, goodbye.every memory of walking out the front door i found the photo of the friend that i was looking for...its hard to say it, time to say it..goodbye, goodbye." - photograph by nickleback

sometimes you just know. you know when a storm is brewing on the horizon. sometimes you just know that someone is about to leave. or youre about to lose something. and sometimes...all you can do is stand still. capture your moments in your mind and hoping against hope, that its not all youre going to have left of this person, of this something.

its scary because somehow, in some way, you even know that this goodbye is inevitable. hanggang dito lang kayo. and you dont know which kind of departure hurts more, the one made by choice or the one forced by time? wait. i think the one that hurts most is the departures that were forced by you. somethign stupid you did. some irrational phrase you blabbed or some lame excuse you said about not getting too close. *sigh* what am i saying?

i guess what im trying to say is this: there are going to be moments in our lives where we will know exactly what could happen but we will know that we cant do anything about it as well. and it will sting like anything. but i think, i really believe, that at the end of it all, well be able to say, it was good. it was all good. it was all worth it.

lately God has been teaching me how to just be still. i dont seem to know how to do that. free-spirited as i may seem, i always calculate my steps. i always try to see how far i can go, where this move will take me, and i try to cover all possible angles of danger. i always want to have a hand in things. but guess what? life doesnt work out that way.

sometimes you just have to do it. sometimes you just have to leap. and KNOW. and BELIEVE. that God will catch you. or teach you how to fly. you will be okay. and ya, its easier said that done...but from a person who has probably jumped into situations forgetting all probabilities and stastics and whatnot, i tell you this, you will never truly know until you try.

so now im trying this whole stay still thing. and im finding that its harder than it seems. i wake up saying okay God, i will be still. i will trust. and then i see the storms coming closer and i want to grab something, anything, a lifeline of some form, to shield me from it. to prepare me for it. but as i told my friend just a few minutes ago, who can really be prepared for a loss? who can really shield themselves from that? only God can. and only God can get anyone through it.

im staying still. im standing firm. and this is by far the biggest leap of faith ive ever taken. it involves no leaping at all. im scared. im terrified. but as king leonidas said, 'fear is constant.it is the acceptance of it that strengthens us.' amen. amen to that.

so, you can come storm, anytime you want, pour out your wrath...im not ready. but God is. =)

tatlong daan.

2007-03-18T18:38:00.000+08:00

"may you live forever..."

i just watched 300 with my brother.it was the movie i promised him.so there i was,wondering what the hype was all about.i just wanted to watch it for the amazing cinematography.after the movie though,wow.phew.loved it.absolutely loved it.

first of all,the script was good.i mean,if the lights werent off,i think id be taking down quotes.hahaha.and even the most brutal scenes looked nice.i think the guys beside us were really freaked out cause they kept looking at me weird whenever i said 'niccceee' during the scenes where blood was all over the place.oh and jan-ace and i laughed when this guys head flew.wahahaha. panalo. after a stressful two weeks,magandang stress reliever itong movie.hahaha.

anyway.without spoiling the movie for those who havent seen it...one thing really struck me from the movie.it was when leonidas looked ever so kindly on his enemy and said,may you live forever.i was like huh.i dont get it.why would you ever,ever wish eternal life for your enemy?but after going to church that afternoon,it hit me.i got it.making a difference.thats what it was about.

the enemy was living a life of deceit, of evil, of hatred, of murder, of greed...was that really living?is that really a life?leonidas wished him an eternal life because for leonidas,a life shortlived but filled with love,courage and integrity far outweighs an eternal one without any.

im not thinking of going to any warzone anytime soon or training myself to be a soldier.but it doesnt mean i dont want to make a difference.and all of us can do that,i realize.even with just a simple smile to a stranger,even with just a simple hug...we never know how significant our actions can be until we actually do them.
being born into this life only makes sense when we find the one thing we will die for. i mean ya, no one lives forever. and ya, we all have our own battles to face. but its the living part that counts. its the fighting part that wins. how everything ends is not as important as the road that led to it. as leonidas said, 'even god-kings bleed.' =)

heart holiday

2007-03-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

"Listen, I know it's hard to believe people when they say, 'I know how you feel,' but I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone back in London. We worked for the same newspaper, and then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah, from the circulation department on the 19th floor. It turned out that he wasn't in love with me like I thought. What I'm trying to say is, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible...and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you...and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood and how in the hell, for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door...and after all that, however long 'all that' may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who will make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of those life that you wasted...THAT will eventually begin to fade." - The Holiday

catch the falling sky

2007-03-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

"If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will fill the multitude while a loaf will only satisfy a little lad." (Ruth Stull)

pasensiya na. parang ang lungkot naman ng opening quote. pati na rin ng pamagat ng entry na ito. pero hindi naman ako malungkot. nag-iisip lang.
nakakatawa at nakakatuwa lang kasi ang buhay. alam mo yun, pagkagaling mo sa unos ng buhay at pinipilit mo ng makalimot, nahahanap ka parin ng mga bagay[o tao] na tinatakbuhan mo. o di kaya, kapag nakaranas ka na ng isang napakagandang araw, makakatagpo ka naman ng maraming tila mabibigat na mga sandali.

wala lang. ganoon kasi yung nakaraang linggo ko.

mabigat. pero masaya.

bakit mabigat? kasi marami akong natuklasan - sa sarili ko at sa mga taong nasa paligid ko. hindi lang pala talaga ako ang natatakot. marami rin palang taong nagtatago sa likod ng mga pader nila, natatakot lumabas. natatakot masaktan. natatakot maiwan. habang kinakausap ko sila, naramdaman ko na parang kinakausap ako ng aking sarili mula sa salamin. naiintindihan ko ang bawat emosyon na ipinapahayag nila. ako rin yun.

bigla akong napaisip. wala pala talagang mangyayari kung puro takot na lang ang paiiralin. kung puro pader nalang ang isasangga ko sa mundo. ano naman klaseng buhay ang mararanasan ko? wala ngang nararamdaman na sakit, pero wala ring nararamdaman na saya.

tapos naalala ko yung mga taong nawala saakin. yung mga taong umalis. bigla ko tuloy naalala si peyton sa one tree hill. meron kasi siyang ginuhit na larawan na sinabit niya sa kwarto niya. nakalagay 'PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE.' pero may isang episode kung saan kinausap siya ng sarili niya at binulong sakanya, "people always leave because peyton always pushes them away." aray. natamaan naman ako dun.

nakakalungkot kasi. ang hirap kasi. pagminahal mo na yung isang tao, pagbinuksan mo yung buong buhay mo sakanya, kapag pinakilala mo sakanya lahat ng importanteng bahagi sa buhay mo, kapag ibinihagi mo sakanya ang mga ambisyon mo, mga hangarin mo, ang nilalaman ng mga dasal mo -- mahirap na ulit magmahal ng ganoon kapag nawala at may dumating na bago.

kaya lang, mahirap din ulit mabuhay kung wala kang minamahal. kung wala kang karamay. kung walang tatawa o iiyak sa tabi mo kapag kailangan mo talaga ng kasama. ang sakit panoorin ang isang taong binibigay sayo lahat pero hindi mo naman sinusuklian. hindi dahil di mo siya kailangan, kundi dahil hinahayaan mo lang matalo ka ng takot mo. hinahayaan mong ang alaala ng isa, dalawa, ilang tao na wala na sa buhay mo ang magdikta ng hinaharap mo. hay diba? sabi nga ni kris aquino, "you can't be better if you're bitter...you can't heal if you keep reopening wounds." grabe, im so with you mareng kris. hahaha.

nakita ko nga yung mga taong nawala sakin ngayong linggo eh. hindi naman lahat pero karamihan nung mga importante talagang nawala. hindi ko man harap-harapan nakasalimuha, nagparamdam ang karamihan. merong iba, napatawa ulit ako, sa simpleng hirit, sa simpleng bati. merong iba, napangiti ako, dahil kahit nasa malayo ako, ang sayang malaman na ang puso nila na minahal ko, hindi parin nagbabago. yung iba naman, nasaktan uli ako. ayan. parang naririnig ko na si damien rice na kumakanta ng "there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth, there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt, it's still a little hard to say what's going on, there's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness..."

nung nangyari yun, parang gusto ko ulit umuwi, magtago, buksan ang TV, sumailalim sa makapal kong kumot at wag ng bumangon. parang narinig ko ulit si idol Chris Martin ng Coldplay na kumakanta ng "when you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse."[oo, nagiging musically involved ako pag blog involved ako hahaha] pero sabi ko, hindi. tama na.

it was worth it. alam niyo yung sinabi ni Tito Nicolas Cage sa City of Angels? "i'd rather have one touch of her skin, one kiss from her mouth, than a lifetime without it. one."? ayun. lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko at nararamdaman ko pa rin sa pagkawala nila, sa paglayo nila, hindi ko pinagsisisihan. okay lang kasi minahal ko naman sila - mahal ko naman sila. at ang pagmamahal walang pagsisisi. NAAAKKK. ang drama. pero totoo. pagnagmahal ka, dapat wala kang sinusumbat, dapat wala kang pagaalinlangan, dapat wala kang pinagsisisihan. kasi sa huli, marami ka naman natutunan. at ginusto mo. isa pa, kapag tunay kang nagmamahal, tunay kang malaya.

walang sigurado sa buhay. kahit gaano ka pa kagaling sa math, sa physics, sa chem...kahit gaano mo pa basang-basa ang isang tao, natuklasan ko, bale wala yun. kasi lahat ng tao iba. bawat karanasan iba. bawat relasyon iba. puno ng sorpresa ang buhay. at sa totoo lang? mas maganda yun. kasi mas marami kang natutunan.

oo nga, tama si ruth stull. okay na sa akin na broken ako ngayon. kasi kapag nakikita ko naman ang pinagdaanan ko, kapag nakikita ko naman ang hindi mabilang na beses na tumawa ako, nagpatawa at nakitawa, alam ko...nabuhay talaga ako. kapag naalala ko yung mga hindi rin mabilang na beses na umiyak ako, nakapagpaiyak ako [o walang hihirit na heartbreaker ako hahaha - defensive!] at nakiiyak ako, alam ko hindi yun masasayang. ika nga ni ruth, it can feed a multitude. ang dasal ko nga eh yun. na sana, balang araw, mayroon titingin sa buhay ko at mawawala ang luha niya dahil sa mga luha ko, mabibigyan siya ng pag-asa dahil sa mga pagsubok na aking nalampasan at magmamahal siya uli dahil sa ako'y nagpalaya.

HAY. ang sarap mabuhay. magulo pero masaya. mabigat pero masaya pa rin. tawa lang. magmahal lang. magdasal lang.
gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa lahat ng taong umalis. kasi naging bahagi kayo ng buhay ko. hinding-hindi ko kayo makakalimutan. pramis. at oo, parati ko kayong mamimiss. sa lahat ng lumayo, naalala ko kayo, araw-araw. walang araw na dumaan na hindi ako tumingin sa pinto, nagbabakasakaling kayo ang pumasok doon. unti-unti ko ng natatanggap na minsan, kailangan lang ng panahon. kailangan lang ng distansiya. kung hindi man kayo bumalik, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako. kasi hinayaan niyo akong maging bahagi ng buhay niyo... unti-unti ko ng natatanggap na kapag hindi laan para sayo ang isang bagay, hindi talaga ito magaganap ano man ang pilit mo. mahal ko kayo.

gusto ko rin magpasalamat sa mga taong nanatili. hayaan niyo, sinusubukan ko na ulit magmahal. nakapagdesisyon na ako na ayoko ng magkaroon ng pader. sana maintindihan niyo na hindi kaagad maghihilom ang mga sugat ko, pero tandaan niyo rin sana, na darating ang araw, na gagaling ang mga ito. gusto ko rin magpasalamat sa mga taong dumating. masaya ako na dumating kayo kahit hindi ko parati itong naipapakita. ano man ang tingin niyo, sa palagay ko, may dahilan ang Diyos at nakilala ko kayo sa ngayon ng buhay ko. sisiguraduhin ko na hindi masasayang ang pagpapadala Niya sainyo saakin. konting pasensiya lang. tatalon na ulit ako.

kasi...love will catch you when you get the courage to fall[oist manood kayo kay sam and toni hahaha shameless advertising]

good stuff, balls and ice cream

2007-02-27T23:04:00.000+08:00

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told 'I'm with you kid. Let's go.'" - Maya Angelou

i cant believe i was thinking of my fears while playing futsal. that was probably why, while practicing with one of the balls before the game, i accidentally hit someone on the chest. ouch. or maybe phew, good stress reliever. wahaha. peace. =)

but ya. there i was, just playing the im going to make sure the ball doesnt go to the other side of the court without anyone on my team being there kind of player, when i just had this sudden urge to actually go after the ball. i mean its always good to watch from afar, to see where the game is going, to make sure everything is okay...but wow, it also feels good to be in the middle of all the battling sneakers and trying to get the ball too.

and while i was doing that, the weirdo that i am, thought to myself, this is it. this is my fear too.

i fear the good things in my life. i cant seem to cherish them anymore, not even acknowledge its presence...because im terrified to. my last few attempts at living late last year all ended with a bitter taste in my mouth. i mean, there i was, spending whatever it took to say, im really grateful youre in my life...and then when i was finally enjoying it, it was gone. and once again, the rug was pulled from beneath me. caught again by surprise.

ever since then, i was like, screw it. never mind. no more good stuff. they dont last.

but last friday, while praying, i heard God saying, the bad stuff dont last too.

okay God. that was...direct. hahaha. but ya. its true. the bad stuff dont last too. and not everything is bad. and not everyone is bad. and not everyone will LEAVE. thats what i gotta realize, thats what i gotta remember.

so ya, i realized that while playing futsal. dont be afraid of the ball. it is where the ball is that the game is. ya, you can watch, step back and see whats going on every now and then. but to be able to score? to be able to really sweat? to be able to really say you played? you gotta be where the ball is... so i gotta be where the good stuff are. because thats where life really is. in the people we love, the people we care about, the people who care about us, getting through a bad day, God. hay.

that realization is like having a hot fudge sundae with fries. heavenly.